


For Your Eyes Only, I'll Show You My Heart

by neonphoenix



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Mutual Pining, Romantic Gestures, Slow Burn, mentions of svtha, mundane AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-07 08:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14667654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonphoenix/pseuds/neonphoenix
Summary: When Alec first contacted the 'Brooklyn Bi' for help, that last thing he expected was to fall in love.---“Wait, I have so many questions, but firstly, an advice blog?”“Yeah. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it actually. It’s this blog, linked to the school’s site, there’s flyers about it all around campus, it’s some sort of LGBT advice blog. Hang on,” Simon reached to grab his phone, tapped around the screen and shoved the phone into Alec’s face, “See?”“BrooklynBi, clever,” Alec pushed the phone out of his face, and stomped down on the nervous butterflies that had been erupting violently in his stomach all day, “Must be nice for people to talk to a person anonymously, it takes away the judgement.”“Yeah it’s is,”  Simon glanced at Alec from the corner of his eye, and pretended not to notice the hopeful yet weary gleam crossing his friends face.---





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly a massive thank you to the lovely [Bay](http://alliaskofyou.tumblr.com/) for coming in to beta this fic on such short notice.
> 
> Secondly I'd both like to apologise and thank [Ash](https://svragent.tumblr.com/) for putting up with me screaming about this fic for weeks.
> 
> And Finally if you want to you can come and say Hi! on tumblr [@wonderdaysoflunacy](http://wonderdaysoflunacy.tumblr.com/)

Alec slumped in his chair, and tapped his fingers against his jaw. His eyes had grown dry from staring at the lecture board, and he half-heartedly listened as the Professor continued to drone on. He rubbed his eyes with the insides of his palms and allowed his eyes to then to flicker across the room.

Alec scanned the room, and raked his fingers through his hair, tugging lightly in an effort to wake himself up, when his gaze locked with a person a few rows in front of him.

If Alec had of been walking, he would’ve of, without a shadow of a doubt, stopped in his tracks. There was a sudden pause where Alec stared openly at the man in front of him. Alec’s lips parted slightly and his breath hitched when the man flashed him a bright smile. How could Alec of missed him before? Surely Alec would have noticed someone this beautiful?

The man in front lifted up his hand and waved subtly at Alec; a pleasant twinkle sparkling in his eye.

Alec blanched, and stared blankly at the man before he allowed his lips quirk into a weak smile. Alec lifted his hand and waved back, although he became overwhelmingly aware of how ridiculous he must have looked. He was sat, alone, in the top row, hidden away in the corner, hunched in on himself, awkwardly and silently communicating with someone he’d never noticed before.

“Mr. Bane, saying as you don’t seem to be paying attention, care to explain the theory?” the Professor’s voice rang throughout the room, successfully snapping Alec out the moment.

“Sorry, of course,” The man sent one last smile towards Alec before turning back to the front.

A deep blush bloomed across Alec’s cheeks and he quickly averted his gaze. He turned his focus back onto the Professor and took in what the man in front was explaining. Or at least, Alec tried to, but he found himself not only mesmerized by the man’s smile, but also his voice. Strangely, even when discussing economics the man’s voice was entrancing and smooth.

Alec should not be this affected. He snapped a hair tie he’d stolen from Isabelle against his wrist, and shook his head, as if the action would knock the thoughts away.

Without much luck, Alec finally began typing notes on his laptop, willing himself to stay focused. Whenever his eyes would try to flicker back to stare at the beautiful man, he reached down and snapped at his reddening wrists again.

\---

When the Professor called an end to the lecture, Alec had briefly considered hanging back to talk to the new, beautiful man that would no doubt be haunting his dreams; but he decided against it. Alec wasn’t willing to embarrass himself any further, so, in an entirely self respecting manner he had all but flown out of the room and raced back to his dorm.

When he reached his dorm, Alec quickly slammed the door and set about readying himself for a much needed catch up session in the library.

\---

Alec had thought a few hours in the library would enable him to catch up on the lecture he’d just spent zoned out and daydreaming over beautiful men in, but it seemed the world was not on his side.

He massaged his throbbing temples as he continued to stare at the book in front of him. The words seemed to blur together though. Alec blinked rapidly and pressed his forehead against the table. He groaned loudly and promptly slammed the book shortly afterwards.

Alec leant back in his chair and glanced at the ceiling before forcing his gaze back down to the table. He tried push the intrusive thoughts out of his head one last time, but upon failing in doing so, he pushed his chair back and strode out of the library.

\---

“Hey Alec, I’m playing at Hunter’s moon tomorrow night, do you want to tag along? I know you have dinner with your parents, but I thought it would be fun,” Simon rambled incessantly the moment he arrived back at the dorm, too busy fishing around in his bag for a flyer to notice Alec’s pathetic moping. “Woah, what’s wrong starfish?”

“Nothing.” Alec mumbed into his pillow, shifting slightly to peek at Simon over his shoulder.

“I know you always get like this before you see your parents, but this is next level.”

Alec sighed and with reluctance, he turned to fully face Simon, “It’s nothing really. I just didn’t take any notes in my lecture and it stressed me out.”

“Alec, come on, it’s one lecture. What’s the big issue?” Simon crouched down to pat Alec on the back, “You’re one of the smartest people I know. So you zoned out in one lecture, it happens. You have far too much on your plate, you’re allowed to slip up. Stop letting them stress you out.”

“Them?” Alec questioned, although he would be lying if he said he didn’t know exactly what Simon meant.

“You know what I mean,” Simon silmed sadly at Alec before clapping loudly and springing to his feet, “You can decide about Hunter’s Moon tomorrow, but right now, we’re having a Marvel marathon.”

“Again?” Alec’s voiced hitched and he burrowed his head back into his pillow.

“Alec, don’t pretend like you don’t like these films. You and I both know under that cold exterior, you’re a huge nerd,” Simon scoffed and shoved Alec, forcing him to make room.

“Just play the movie Simon.”

\---

Alec quickly got lost in his own thoughts, the movie merely a buzz in the background, even Simon’s chattering wasn’t enough to break him out of his daze. Under his jumper Alec fiddled with the hair tie, the increasingly unhealthy habit had managed to sneak into his daydreams once again, and everytime his mind wandered to unsavoury places, be it his love life or his studies, he’d unwittingly twist and snap the hair tie against his ever red skin.

It wasn’t until Simon started talking about the ‘mysteriously handsome man’ from his Psychology class that Alec realised what he was doing. Simon tended to turn to Alec and absorb his responses more when this particular subject came up.

Alec rubbed his wrist lightly, trying in vain to ease the sting, then he turned to a beaming Simon.

“So I kept dropping hints but I’m not really sure if he’ll actually turn up,” Simon paused to draw a breath before quickly jumping back into his rant. “I hope he does, but if he does I’m not quite sure what to say. Most of our conversations consist of me talking and him grunting along, although one time we did have a pretty intense talk about this new advice blog that’s been set up.”

“Wait, I have so many questions, but firstly, an advice blog?”

“Yeah. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it actually. It’s this blog, linked to the school’s site, there’s flyers about it all around campus, it’s some sort of LGBT advice blog. Hang on,” Simon reached to grab his phone, tapped around the screen and shoved the phone into Alec’s face, “See?”

“BrooklynBi, clever,” Alec pushed the phone out of his face, and stomped down on the nervous butterflies that had been erupting violently in his stomach all day, “Must be nice for people to talk to a person anonymously, it takes away the judgement.”

 

“Yeah it’s is,”  Simon glanced at Alec from the corner of his eye, and pretended not to notice the hopeful yet weary gleam crossing his friends face.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Alec tugged at the collar of his shirt and released a deep sigh, “Can’t believe she still sends me messages telling me what to wear to dinner.”

“You should just turn up in a Batman t-shirt and see what she does.” Simon sniggered from his bed, where he was hunched over tying his laces.

“Yes, because that will go down well,” Alec rolled his eyes and set about combing his wild hair, ”It’ll send her to an early grave. It’s bad enough that Izzy always shows up with, ‘too much makeup’ and wears ‘inappropriate clothing’.”

“Didn’t realise it was the sixteen hundreds.” Simon snorted. Despite never meeting the parents in question, Simon was never pleased to hear about them, his opinion of them being soiled from the various stories passed to him by both Lightwood siblings.

Alec hummed. “I best be off. Are you still playing at Hunter’s Moon?”

Simon nodded and flopped dramatically back onto his bed, “Yeah. I’m going to meet a study group first then head over there. You gonna make it?”

“I’m not sure. I’ll try.” Alec sluggishly gathered his things and with great reluctance, he headed for the door.

“Have fun with the Devils - I mean parents.”

“Hilarious.” Alec paused for a second, one foot out the door before he turned back and grinned “Have fun with Raphael.”

Simon threw a pillow at his head in response, a bright blush took over his face.

\---

Alec was greeted by his mother at the door at precisely five o’clock. At exactly six o’clock, after an hour of intense discussion in the living room about his classes of the week just passed, dinner was served.

It was the same as every other week.

Not a single beat was missed, and not one stone was left unturned when it came to his parents interrogating himself and Isabelle.

“So Alec, have you met anyone yet?”

Alec choked on his water at the question. Normally all topics of Alec’s love life were unofficially banned from the dinner table as they generally result in a spat between his parents.

Alec, when it came to this particular matter, chose to keep his mouth shut, mainly in fear of spilling a secret he wasn’t even ready to admit to himself. But as his father hit him with half a dozen quick fire questions about girlfriends, Alec’s mind couldn’t help but wander to a golden eyed beauty for the days prior. Alec must have been lost in his daydream about the man for too long, as his lack of response quickly cause silence to swallow the room.

The tense atmosphere, however, was swiftly broken by the sound of his mother’s knife scraping against her plate, “Robert. We have discussed this. School first, girls second, and the same with Isabelle, school first, boys second. Their education is more important than their love lives.”

His father scoffed, “All I am saying is it is high time that Alec found himself a respectable women and started getting ready to settle after college. He only has a few months left, and people are starting to talk. Alec, you never do anything, or anyone.”

“Robert, don’t be so disgusting.” Maryse shook her head and took a slow drink from her glass of wine, ”Alec does not need a girlfriend in order to be deemed respectable.”

“He’s right here, seriously?” Isabelle exclaimed, throwing her napkin viciously onto the table.

Alec’s father was a task master, mission maker and took it upon himself to make decisions for everyone in the family. He organised the rules, who was friends with who, everything, like any good army drill sergeant.

Robert turned to Alec, and had the decency to look somewhat apologetic, “What I mean is, Alec, it’s about appearances, we have to seem stable.”

“Alec is getting a first class degree, from a top university, that seems pretty damn respectable to me.”

But his mother was the one who seemed to do nothing but work. She organised the academia, the house, dinners, the money. Alec’s father liked to think he was the force driving the family, that his word was final, but he failed to account for the hurricane that Maryse Lightwood could become.

“People are starting to talk. This is about keeping ourselves decent.”

Alec’s parents locked horns over most matters, especially when it came to the family’s reputation, so Alec wasn’t particularly surprised that his father had brought up this subject yet again. The plan to find him a suitable partner had become a topic of heated debate as soon as he hit puberty, and much to Alec’s resentment and dismay, he didn’t have much of a choice in the matter.

When it came to his life, Alec’s mother had chosen his path in academia as a respectable route, where as his father had chosen the route of crafting the perfect appearance. Both were exhausting, and neither consisted of anything Alec would have chosen for himself.

Though after years of being shoved, or ‘guided’ Alec had become desensitised to most things, but even know every time he heard the world girlfriend his eyes stung.

“I think this conversation is over.” Maryse narrowed her eyes at her husband. It was a look that could make a grown man cry, and has on more than one occasion, but Robert kept pushing.

“Maryse, we can’t seriously let the investors think he’s going to become a, well, some sort of shut in.” His father’s nostrils flared as he spat out the next words that sent a bolt of terror down to the pits of Alec’s stomach, “Or worse, they’ll think he’s gay.”

“Why would it be worse, if people thought Alec was gay?” Max had been so quiet, silently shoveling food into his mouth while reading a comic book that he insisted he must read at the table.

“Because it is.”

“Actually, yes, Dad, what would be so bad about that?”

“Because it’s wrong, and disgusting and we can’t have investors thinking my son is some sort of promiscuous fa-”

“Robert.”

The clock on the wall seemed to grow louder after that, like a bomb. Alec tried everything to tune it out. His fingers had been picking at a loose thread oh his jeans throughout the conversation, but now they’d turned to scratch relentlessly at the skin , until his fingers started to bleed.

Alec wasn’t sure how long passed before he jumped out of his seat. He ignored the screech of the legs against the floor and instantly started to back out of the room. “I forgot-” “I told Simon I would meet him at um- Simon has a show, so , yeah, uhm, I’m leaving.”

“But I bought in your favourite for dessert.” Maryse sighed deeply and gave him a disappointed stare, as if that was the worst thing she’d heard all evening.

“Sorry, Mom.”

Alec ran outside and immediately hailed a cab.

\---

He held it together just long enough before reaching his dorm room, and he was no longer able to avoid the beating of his heart as it pounded futility in his chest.  The thoughts accelerated inside his head, Alec begged for them to slow so he could breathe but nothing worked.

Alec’s breathes came in gasps and he felt like he was going to black out. He could feel the sweat clinging to his forehead. He wiped his brow with a tremor in his hands and thought it was best to squat on the floor.

The room was spinning and it was the only way he could think of to make it stop. Normally Alec would be happy that Simon wasn’t here to witness a meltdown, but this was too much.

Alec placed a hand on his chest. He just wanted everything to stop. He was at a loss, and his father’s words were repeating like a broken record in his head.

Of course Alec knew that he wasn’t disgusting, he knew it was okay to be the way he is, but it didn’t feel right. He didn’t feel like it was okay. Every thought he had about love was tarnished, and he knew it shouldn’t be, but he couldn’t help it.

He couldn’t help the fact that he felt afraid of who he was.

Alec didn’t know how to explain it; how to fix it. How to fix himself.

Quite frankly, everything hurt and Alec felt like he was stuck in a constant battle. It hurt, yet Alec felt numb. It was a strange feeling.

“Get it together, Alec.” Alec tugged harshly at the hair tie on his wrist and winced when he let it go. He sucked in a sharp breath and stared at the angry red mark gracing his pale skin, “I need help. And now I’m talking to myself, great.”

Alec wiped his tears and his nose on the sleeve of his shirt and stared at the his desk from where he was slumped against the door. He thought back to his earlier conversation with Simon and after what felt like hours of contemplation he forced himself to look at the blog, in hopes of finding someone who feels like him.

\---

Eventually Alec found it in him to stand up. He shuffled over to his laptop, cautiously throwing a look over his shoulder as if he was going to be caught doing something wrong. Alec sighed and forced himself to look up the blog.

With shaking hands, Alec scrolled endlessly through the blog, searching for anything that could help him. He found countless posts, ranging from safe sex to coming out advice. But there was nothing even the slightest big as dark as the feelings he had swirling within himself. He supposed nobody, not even the seemingly friendly ‘BrooklynBi’ would want something as messed up as this on their blog. Alec mused that it would only bring people down.

Alec shot a quick glance at the time and was shocked to see that hours had passed; his stomach knotted up. Alec nibbled at the edges of his frayed fingertips on one hand and rubbed at his pounding temples with the other.

It was no use, he wasn’t finding the comfort that he so desperately needed.

A muscle twitch involuntarily at the corner of his left eye and Alec’s mouth fell into a deeper grimace. He folded his arms tightly across his chest and tapped his foot furiously and stared at the blog page.

After a long while of contemplating Alec decided to send in a message himself.

With twitching and sweat creased hands Alec typed out an email.

Then he re-wrote it.

Then he re-wrote it again.

Over and over for hours on end.


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh, my sweet child.” Magnus ruffled Raphael’s  hair, much to the other’s annoyance, “Why can’t you just admit that you like Sherman?”

 

“It’s Simon.” Raphael scoffed and turned to the mirror to fix his hair. For the hundredth time that day. 

 

“That is what I said.” Magnus chuckled lightly and moved to choose his jewelry for the evening. His hands danced over the box, and he hummed quietly to himself before settling on several perfectly complimenting rings. “What was it you said the other day? Ah yes, ‘annoyingly cute musician.”

 

“I never.” Raphael responsed plainly.

 

Magnus blinked blankly at his friend, “Fine, keep lying. I’ll just be sure to tell Sheldon that tonight.”

 

“Don’t you dare.” Raphael pointed his finger sternly.

 

“I will dare if I so wish.”

 

“I hate you.”

 

“Aw Raphael, I love you too.” Magnus’ features softened and he brought his hands to his chest, blowing a kiss towards a still scowling Raphael, “Great. Now let’s go.”

 

\---

 

Magnus scanned the area, an eager smirk gracing his lips, “So where is lover boy? Is he running late?”

 

“How should I know?”

 

“Because you were the one that dragged me along here, and you’re the one that’s been looking at the door every two seconds.” Magnus replied, taking a long sip of his drink, all the while watching the blush steadily grow across Raphael’s cheeks.

 

Magnus was about to make yet another teasing comment when he heard the fumbling and swearing as someone all but tumbled through the door knocking over a bar stool.

 

“Shit.” the person called before throwing an apology over to the glaring bartender.

 

“Please don’t tell me that is Sherwin.” Magnus laughed lightly and nudged at Raphael’s shoulder.

 

“Hey Raphael.” the man, Simon, yelled across the room. “Oh you brought a friend.”

 

Magnus felt terribly awful about the way Simon’s expression seemed to dull when he saw him standing next to Raphael, but he was quick to cover it up. Simon stuck his hand out in greeting, and Magnus made sure to give an extra beaming smile.

 

“Sorry, for tagging along, but I just had to see the charming young fellow that has taken over Raphael’s heart.” Magnus shot a wink at Raphael and laughed at Simon’s shocked expression.

 

Raphael coughed abruptly and kicked Magnus harder than entirely necessary, “Do you need a hand setting up, Simon?”

 

“That would be great, thanks.” Simon beamed, a steady blush of his own running down his neck. He then turned away and started to move towards the small stage in the corner of the room.

 

“I’ll stay here. Leave you two to talk,” Magnus wiggled his eyebrows at Raphael. “Alone.”

 

Raphael gave Magnus one final glare before stalking away.

 

\---

 

Magnus sat at the bar for a few more minutes, mindlessly switching from people watching to scrolling through his blog’s emails. There were a few amusing ones, people tended to send in stories about their crushes and significant others. Most of the stories were sweet or fairly tame, it wasn’t often that he received particularly heavy or worrisome questions. But when he did he was always more than happy to try his best to help or point people in the right direction.

 

Though, tonight, one particular email caught his eye, for all the wrong reasons.

 

Magnus scanned over the email, repeatedly, and he was just trying to formulate a reply in his head when he was knocked out of his thoughts by a sharp tug on his collar.

 

“Set’s about to start. Let’s head over to that table.” Raphael cocked his head towards the table and began to drag Magnus over when he noticed his friend was too busy staring at his phone, “Magnus, worry about it later, okay?”

 

“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s hope Samuel’s show isn’t a train wreck.”

 

“Simon.”

 

\---

 

Later that night Magnus, while wrapped up under his covers, stared at his phone screen for what felt like hours, going over and over the email.

 

He couldn’t quite put his finger on why he was struggling with answering it so much. He supposed, in the end, it was because this wasn’t the type of issue that could be solved with one reply. 

 

It was delicate.

 

With a deep, resounding sigh Magnus twisted and buried his head into his pillows. He mumbled a string of curse words, directed at society. He turned back to face his phone and read the email aloud to himself.

 

_ Dear… well I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to call you, but I guess that makes this a little easier.  _

 

_ The fact I don’t know who you are, that is, and that you don’t know who I am either. _

_ I thought you might be able to help me with a certain nagging question that has been wreaking havoc on my mind for the past few years?  _

 

_ You see, I feel wrong. All my life, I’ve been told that straight is the default, and that anything other than that is questionable, immoral even. I don’t fit into that default. I’m not all that sure what I fit into? _

 

_ I know what I am, and I know that it’s not right to some people, my family included. How do I change this? How do I know that being different from the default is okay? Because so far it doesn’t feel okay. It feels like I’m wearing someone else’s skin and it itches from the inside out.  _

 

_ How do I make it stop? … Before I destroy myself. _

 

_ \- Gideon. _

 

Another sigh escaped Magnus’ lips as his brain processed the words. His eyes remained fixed on the screen. He jutted his bottom lips out and puffed the air out, “Fuck. Did I ghost write this or what?”

 

Eventually, despite it nearing three in the morning, Magnus pulled out his laptop and set about writing his reply.

 


	4. Chapter 4

As soon as Alec sent the email he regretted it. The words had just flown out of them. Over and over again he’d written words on the page and deleted them. He typed out more emotions and secrets about himself that even he hadn’t realised he had. He found, strangely enough, that the act of writing it down had helped. Part of him was satisfied with that, but a small voice in the back of his mind called for him to press send, to seek help. A large part of Alec didn’t want to, but his exhausted mind hit send. 

 

Soon enough though he panicked. What if someone found out?

 

Alec raked his hands down his face and stared blankly at his laptop, “What have I done? So stupid.”

 

In the end, Alec decided the only escape was sleep. 

 

He tried every technique he could think of. After a while, however, he resorted to screwing his eyes up tightly. Hough even that didn’t work as every half hour or so he would roll over and look at the time or refresh his inbox. Then, he would roll back over to face the wall. 

 

It was somewhere in the early hours of the morning, around two, when Alec’s thoughts finally became disorganised enough to release him into a dreamless sleep. But no sooner did he shut his eyes when his alarm pierced annoyingly through the air.

 

“Turn it off.” Simon grumbled from across the room.

 

Alec groaned in agreement and slapped his hand down on the alarm clock, effectively silencing it. “Morning. How was the gig?”

 

“Amazing.” Simon whispered quietly, his tone laced with glee.

 

“I guess part of that dopey smile is a certain, ‘mysteriously handsome man’?”

 

Simon rolled over and rested his chin in his propped up hand, “Am I that obvious?” 

 

“Yes. You don’t exactly scream subtle Simon.” Alec rolled his eyes.

 

“Yeah well, do you think he noticies?” Simon asked.

 

Alec couldn’t help but notice the worrisome tone and sent him a soft smile, “Possibly, he did agree to go to the gig, and you basically described it as a sort of date right?”

 

“He brought a friend.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Maybe he was nervous? From what you told me about him, he seems interested?”

 

“Maybe, but even still...” Simon paused. “Alec, I really like him.”

 

“Why don’t you message him?” Alec encouraged, but, truth be told, he wasn’t quite sure what to say or how to help. He was just happy to be distracted from his own thoughts.

 

“What now? Isn’t that too eager?”

 

“I don’t know, Simon. I haven’t got experience in this department, but that’s just what I would do. Ask him to breakfast or something.”

 

“Okay. Okay.” Simon quickly tapped away on his phone, his tongue poking out of his mouth, “Done.”

 

Not even five seconds later Simon’s phone buzzed, and the both of them stared at for a moment. Alec was the first to speak, “Well that was quick.”

 

Simon took a deep breath and his eyes fluttered closed before he finally read the message. “He said yes.”

 

“Great!” Alec exclaimed happily. “Now go get ready.”

 

\---

 

As soon as the door slammed behind Simon, Alec jumped out of bed and grabbed his laptop. When he saw the new email in his inbox his heart stopped beating. 

 

Alec stared at the email, but he didn’t dare click on it. 

 

He’d just started taking slow steady breathes when Simon burst back through the door, giving him a heart attack.

 

“Sorry I forgot my keys. Why do you look so startled?” Simon’s brows arched quizzically when a sly smirk took over his face, “Since you’re looking so sketchy, I’ll just throw it out there and take a wild guess. So make sure to delete your browser history.”

 

Alec took a moment to catch on but when he finally did, Simon was already throwing a wink over his shoulder and closing the door, “What? No, Simon! I wasn’t.” Alec threw his head back, hitting it in embarrassment against the headboard. “For fuck sake.”

 

Trust Simon to be the one to mistake his apprehension for shady business. but at least it had lightened Alec’s mood, even if just by a little bit.

 

Alec shoved his apprehension to the side and surrendered his insecurities. With a shaky breath, he clicked on the email.

 

\---

  
  


_ “Gideon, _

 

_ I see what you mean about it being easier to talk to a stranger, but for what it’s worth, if you need a name to refer to me as, then ‘M’ would be just fine. _

 

_ There, we still don’t know who the other is, but at least now I may not seem as robotic. _

 

_ I understand what you’re going through, Gideon, to an extent. I’ve been there before. My life may have different circumstances than yours, of course that is to be expected. I’ll try my best to help you, although, I’m afraid, accepting yourself is a long journey, but I’m here to hold your hand if you want me to. _

 

_ As to why is straight the default?  _

 

_ In the words of Simon Spier, “ _ _ Why is straight the default? Everyone should have to declare one way or another, and it shouldn't be this big awkward thing whether you're straight, gay, bi, or whatever. I'm just saying.” _

 

_ Being LGBT* is a minority, and, to some people, that makes it abnormal. But having blue eyes is a minority and nobody questions that? _

 

_ My point being, there is nothing wrong with you. Just because you’re different, that doesn’t make you less than. Even if you don’t quite know who you are yet, that’s okay too. You’re still worth everything.  _

 

_ There is nothing immoral about who you are or who you love. You are you, and who you are can be pretty damn fabulous, if you let yourself.  _

 

 

  * __M “__



 

 

Alec read the email, once, twice, three times, before the words finally made sense. He could believe that a relatively short response from a stranger would lift such a weight from his shoulders. Realistically, somewhere deep in the back of his mind he knew all of this, but hearing it so bluntly from a stranger was oddly comforting. It didn’t feel like he was battling himself anymore, not with ‘M’ standing by his side.

 

Alec cracked his knuckles; an annoying habit that never failed to make Isabelle flinch, and he set about forming a reply.

 

Just like last time he typed out his response, then deleted the whole thing and typed it out again.

 

\---

_ “Dear M, _

 

_ Thank you for taking the response, it does mean an awful lot.  _

 

_ However I’d like to apologise, my last email wasn’t written under the best of circumstances and I may have been a little erratic. Although, I must admit your reply did soothe my worries. I did understand all of what you wrote, of course I did, but hearing someone else say it, well write it, was comforting. _

 

_ As for what you said about it being a long journey. I’m afraid I’ve never been good with things like that. Everything in my life is perfect and efficient. That’s just how it’s always been, and I suppose it carried over. Not everything is running smoothly or as it should. I guess you could say I’m the one not ‘running as it should’. _

 

_ I know I shouldn’t say that because really there’s nothing wrong with me, but, I don’t know, I can’t describe it. It doesn’t make sense to me. _

 

_ Although I do have one question. Who is the Simon Spier you effortlessly quoted? He seems to have the right idea. _

 

__ \- Gideon ” _ _


	5. Chapter 5

After Alec sent his reply he absolutely did not spend the rest of the day routinely checking his emails. He didn’t.

 

“I’m back.” Simon singsonged opening the door with a bang.

 

Alec grunted in greeting. He didn’t bother to take his eyes off of where they were glued to his email, “Yes, I can see that.”

 

“How are you still watching your laptop? I left you hours ago in that exact same position.” Simon snorted in laughter. He had known Alec for years now and he’d always had been such a mystery. 

 

Alec hesitated, “I’m just, I um-”

 

“You’re still watching videos. Okay I’ll leave,” Simon giggled lightly and, after catching Alec’s horrified face, his laughtered raised into a cackle.

 

Alec glowered once he caught the meaning from Simon’s previous interruptions. “Simon! No, what the heck.”

 

“Sorry couldn’t help it.” Simon wiped away a few tears that had rolled down his cheek. He tried to calm himself down, but Alec’s unimpressed glare wasn’t helping. “You’re just so easy to wind up.”

 

Alec huffed and refreshed his screen once more. “Oh, how’s Lover Boy anyway?”

 

Simon spluttered and coughed.“Fine. We’re getting dinner later.”

 

Alec delighted in the way Simon’s face went an alarming shade of pink and proceeded to taunt him even more. “Twice in one day? Who knew you had such stamina.”

 

Simon was scandalised. “You’re just bitter.” 

 

“No.” Alec shook his head, although the action was contradicted by the fact he’d refresh his screen. Again.

 

“You’re blushing. Why are you blushing?” Simon all but squealed as he tried to take a peek at Alec’s laptop screen.

 

Alec slammed the laptop shut and glared at Simon. “I am not.”

 

“Sure. Whatever you say Alec,” Simon said, ruffling Alec’s hair. “Oh, also, random thought: they just put Civil War on Netflix.”

 

Sometimes Simon gave Alec whiplash. He couldn’t always keep up with his friends random thoughts.

 

“They have? I’ll put it on.” Alec paused and eventually shrugged, coming to the conclusion that a film would take his mind off of M. “Then after, before your date, do you want to go to the library?”

 

“Yeah, okay. Did you ever do that economics essay?”

 

“Part of it. Why?” Alec glanced at Simon, who was wearing a strange, almost devilish grin, but, at this point, Alec couldn’t be bothered to decipher it.

 

“Raphael’s friend is doing economics too. He mentioned the essay and what a bore it was. Maybe you two could work together?” Simon smiled brightly at Alec.

 

Confused, Alec burrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head.“Um no, I don’t really have time? I’d probably be distracted, feeling like I had to converse with him.”

 

“Ok.” Simon dropped the matter. He wouldn’t force Alec to get involved with Raphael’s friends, not matter how much Simon wanted them all to meet.

 

Nothing else was said on the matter and a silence lapsed over them as the film started.

 

\---

 

“No. Iron Man followed the law, so he’s right.” Alec exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

 

“But Alec,” Simon whined, drawing the attention from a few passers by. “Cap is in love.”

 

“What?” Alec spluttered.

 

“With Bucky!”

 

“Yes I know, that fan art you showed me is still burned into my mind, thank you very much.” Alec cringed inwards. He didn’t think he would even be over that incident. 

 

“You’re welcome.” Simon smiled brightly. “So you admit I’m right.”

 

“What? No. Cap is still wrong.” Alec wasn’t prepared to back down.

 

Simon sighed loudly, and dramatically pushed open the doors of the Library. “But you get why he did it?”

 

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I agree.” Alec scoffed.

 

“You’re impossible.”

 

“That’s rich coming from you.” The two of them playfully locked eyes and glared at each other for a moment before Alec finally broke into a laugh. “I’m going to go get a textbook, I’ll meet you at our usual table.”

 

\---

  
  


“You’re meeting him again? Twice in one day?” Magnus’ smirk grew as Raphael’s scowl deepened.  “Damn, you really like him.”

 

“It’s nothing.” Raphael kept his gaze stuck to his textbook that lay in front of him as he sat on the floor opposite Magnus.

 

“Don’t reduce your feelings, Raphael. This is me you’re talking to.” Magnus joked, but the weight of his words was heavy.

 

“Exactly.” Raphael bit back, his tone boarding the line of being too harsh. 

 

Magnus flinched back, startled, but he quickly recovered and painted a smile onto his face. “Okay, not need to get snappy with me just because you’re overwhelmed with your feelings for Scott.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Raphael sighed. He kept his eyes trained on the floor. “I’ve just never felt like this with anyone before. It’s a lot.”

 

“I know. But, in case you were blind, he really likes you too,” Magnus tentatively reached out and patted softly at Raphael’s hand. “I think I might need to go to the library.”

 

“The economics essay still kicking your ass?”

 

Magnus simply nodded and dragged himself towards the door.

 

“Why don’t you ask ‘tall, dark and handsome’ if he’ll help you?”

 

Magnus, because he’s a mature adult, stuck his tongue out then promptly left, slamming the door behind himself.

 

\---

On his way to the library Magnus decided that the only way he’d get his essay done was if he forced himself. He thought that the best way to do that was to give himself a reward once he hands in a completed essay on Monday. 

 

It was a flawed plan, and it wasn’t going to be easy.

 

Magnus pondered his plan and ended up barreling straight into none other than Simon. 

 

“Shit, sorry Stuart,” Magnus smiled sheepishly. “I was too deep in thought.”

 

“It’s fine. What’s got you all distracted. Wait, no, let me guess, economics essay still.”

 

“Bingo. I’ve decided to give up all social media and unnecessary technologies until I’ve handed this damn thing in on Monday.”

 

“Woah, seems excessive. Good luck. Actually,” Simon paused and swung around and pointed at someone, “My friend Alec has just gone to go get a book, he might be able to help?”

 

Magnus followed Simon’s gaze and his eyes fell on none other than his favourite brown eyed beauty. “I would love that.”

 

“His name is Alec. I’m sure he’d be happy to help.”

 

“Alec. Short for Alexander I assume,” Magnus liked the name, he thought it suited Alec well. He allowed his gaze to fall back onto Alec, and he slowly let his eyes roam over Alec’s body as he watched him reach up high for a book. “ He’s in my class.” 

 

“I figured.”

 

“I’ve never spoken to him.”

 

“Can’t say I’m shocked.” 

 

Magnus laughed softly, his eyes still on Alec. “I’m just going to go to the toilet but I’ll come sit with you?”

 

Simon nodded and pointed to a table in the far corner. “Sure, we’ll just be over there.”

 

\---

 

“Simon, I am so sorry. Izzy just called, I need to go.” Alec hurried over to Simon. His hair was all ruffled from where he’d been frantically running his hands through it while on the phone to his sister.

 

Simon deflated, “What? But Magnus is going to come and sit with us.”

 

“Who?” Alec asked, frazzled.

 

Simon sighed and pointed to a grinning Magnus who was walking towards them. “Him. Magnus Bane.”

 

“Oh.” Alec could have sworn his heart had stopped when his eyes fell on Magnus. He was the most beautiful person Alec had ever laid eyes on, and of course that sent Alec straight into a panic. “I have to go.”

 

“But why?”

 

“She needs help with something my dad asked her to do for Monday, and she left it to the last minute”

 

“Oh. Okay, have fun.”

 

“I’m sorry. Have a good dinner with Raphael if I don’t see you beforehand.”

 

\---

 

Magnus was walking along the aisle when a beautifully flushed Alec hurried past him. Alec shot him a small smile and a shy little wave on the way past but offered nothing more.

 

Magnus would be lying if he said he didn’t watch Alec from behind as he left the building.

 

“Where is he going?” He asked Simon, who was currently suppressing a smirk. Clearly Magnus hadn’t been subtle in his admiration.

 

“To help his sister. She said she’d do something for their dad, and, well, she hasn’t.” Simon answered before returning back to staring blankly at his notebook.

 

“Well that’s sweet of him.” Magnus’ lips quirked up into a soft smile. “Shame we haven't’ had a chance to speak though.”

 

“I’m sure you will at some point. But for now I guess your tech ban still stands.” Simon shrugged and reached over to tap his pen against Magnus’ own notebook.

 

“Why did I impose that on myself?”

  
  


\---

 

After he left the library, Alec made the trek to Isabelle’s dorm, dragging his feet the whole way. This was the first time he would be seeing her after the disastrous family dinner on Friday night, and, despite the two of them being incredibly close, he didn’t want to talk to her about it.

 

His thoughts flickered back to the ‘BrooklynBi’ and how he was somehow able to spill his guts to a stranger but not the person he was closest to in the world. “What is wrong with me?”

 

Of course Alec knew Isabelle w asn’t stupid, but the silent, mutual agreement between them to leave the matter of Alec’s love life unspoken was good enough for him. Saying anything else out loud would be far too real.

  
  


Alec rehearsed his possible answers on his walk over, and, as he climbed the last few stairs, he ran over them one last time. Then, heaving a heavy sigh, Alec knocked on Isabelle’s door.

 

“It’s open.” 

 

Alec tutted and let himself in. “That could have been anyone and you just yelled for them to come in?”

 

“Well it wasn’t anyone. It was you.” Isabelle chuckled from her spot on the floor.

 

“Not the point, Iz.” Alec grumbled as he moved to sit next to her. ”Now what exactly are we doing here?”

 

“Dad wanted me to book a venue for the Gala and he wanted save the dates printed, but I was so caught up in other things that I forgot.” Isabelle groaned and let her head fall into her hands. “And now, he wants all the details by Monday morning.”

 

“Why don’t you just tell him you haven't done it?”

 

Isabelle rolled her eyes. “You know why.”

 

“Fair point.” Alec understood perfectly well. The stress of finding a venue at the last minute was far safer than his wrath. “Okay, game plan: write a list of suitable venues and we’ll ring around. Then, um, the place that did mom’s birthday invites? They’re open on Saturdays, so I’ll call them and ask if they can have at least a sample done by Monday morning that we can show Dad. Then we’ll tell him the rest are just waiting to be printed because we wanted his approval first.”

 

“You’re a genius.”

 

“I know.” Alec deadpanned before breaking into a soft laugh. “Now, off the top of my head, Dad’s favourites are The Ainsworth and 583 Park Avenue.  You call Ainsworth; I’ll call the other one. Once we get that down, we’ll call the invite place.”

 

\---

 

“Crap.” Isabelle swore loudly and threw her phone down onto the floor. “Ainsworth is out. Fully booked.”

 

Alec shot her a hard look for swearing so loudly while he was still on the phone. “Okay, thank you. No- um, no problem.” Alec paused to listen as the women still spoken on the other end of the line. “Oh, great, I’ll try them. Thank you for your help.”

 

“No luck?”

 

Alec shrugged. “She said to try and call Guastavino’s.”

 

Isabelle dragged her hands down her face. “I’ve never heard of them? What if dad hates it?”

 

“What choice do we have? Do you want to deal with a four hour lecture about responsibility?” Alec asked. He would do just about anything to avoid that conversation.

 

“I’ll call them.”

 

\---

 

Isabelle hung up the phone and beamed at Alec. “Finally, sorted. Only six months to organise everything else.”

 

“Six months?” Alec rubbed his palms against his eyes. “Let’s hope it doesn’t drag.”

 

“I doubt it. You’ll have your finally exams to do as well. It’ll be crammed. Then you’ll be out in the real world. A ‘proper adult.’” Isabelle droned in a  manner that clearly mocked their parents.

 

“Please don’t remind me.” Alec forced a laugh, but he wasn’t nearly as convincing as he thought. He watched Isabelle’s face fall out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Sorry, Alec. About what dad said-”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll get my degree and find a girl, but I’m doing it in my own time. Dad will just have to wait.” Alec promptly stood up and dusted non-existent dirt off of his jeans.

 

Isabelle remained seated on the floor. “But Alec-”

 

“But what?” Alec abruptly cut her off, his tone final.

 

“If that’s what you want then fine, but you don’t have to do what he says.”

 

“I’m not. I’m doing what is best for me, for everyone.” He didn’t have a choice. He’d sooner give everything up than be the cause of such a rift in his family. “Are you going to be alright phoning the invite shop? Or do you want me to stay?”

 

“Stay. Alec, you can’t leave me to do this on my own.” Isabelle protested, glossing over her brother’s clear turmoil. She would be here for him when he was ready.

 

“Fine.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

After several hours in the library, Magnus returned home only to realise that he’d accomplished almost nothing. Typical. 

 

Magnus grumbled to himself and landed face first onto his bed. “Damn you Stuart, you’re far too distracting.” 

 

Then after several more hours of stalling, he finally made progress on his Economics essay, though he wished Simon’s pretty friend, Alexander, hadn’t rushed off. Not only was he a pretty face but smart, too. He could have been helpful, and Magnus needed serious help.

 

“Yes, Magnus, picking Economics as an elective is a brilliant idea. Fantastic,” Magnus snorted. “Damn you past Magnus for screwing me over.”

 

\---

 

The rest of the weekend passed by in a boring work filled haze. By the time Monday morning rolled around, Magnus was thoroughly baffled at how he’d managed to not only finish his work but avoid technology in the process.

 

As he headed to class, He realised that he would have mountains of social media to catch up on. Even worse,it dawned on him that Gideon may be have replied to his email. “Fuck.”

 

The moment Magnus settled into his seat in the lecture hall, he grappled open his laptop and logged straight onto the blog’s email account. He heaved a heavy sigh at the tens of emails in his inbox. 

 

As luck would have it, the Professor was late, and it gave a little time for Magnus to sift through the emails. Some were funny, light hearted stories, others were quotes and advice from him to post on the blog, and the odd ones were asking for advice, but he was able to point them in the right direction fairly swiftly. Then finally just as the Professor walked through the door, Magnus’ eyes landed on the one email he was looking for.

 

It wasn’t often that Magnus sent multiple replies or engaged in deeper conversation with his readers, but something about Gideon just stuck with him. Their stories seemed to be connected, similar, and Gideon’s struggles and fears were so much like Magnus’ own.

 

Magnus’ eyes scanned over the email; his brow creased in concentration. He was happy that Gideon seemed to be aware that there was nothing wrong with him. Even if he hadn’t accepted that fact fully yet, it was a start. 

 

The last line however maybe Magnus’ eyes sparkle with glee and a laugh bubbled in his throat. “‘Who is Simon Spier?’ Oh, dear.”

 

“Mr. Bane, do you have something you wish to share?” 

 

The Professor’s voice burst Magnus’ little bubble, he’d forgotten where he was for a moment. “No. Sorry, Sir, my apologies.”

 

“Good. Now as I was saying-”

 

Magnus knew he should be paying attention. but his fingers itched to reply to Gideon. In the end, the more logical side of himself won. Listen first, then respond. Besides, he wouldn’t want anyone reading over his shoulder.

 

\---

 

At the end of the lecture, the Professor asked for the essays to be handed in on the way out. Magnus rifled through his folder, slung his bag back onto his back, and made his way towards the front. 

 

While he was waiting in line to hand in his essay, Magnus glanced around and locked eyes with none other than ‘tall dark and handsome’, Alexander. Magnus shot him a smile and a small wave, to which, he was pleasantly delighted when Alec responded with a soft, shy smile and a pretty blush.

 

Magnus handed in his essay and made his way outside. When he reached the steps, he decided to wait and see if he could catch Alec’s eye again; but he didn’t have much luck as Alec walked briskly out of the building, his eyes trained to the floor.

 

Magnus’ gaze followed Alec across the campus for as long as possible. Alec seemed quiet, a little odd maybe, but Magnus found it strangely endearing.

 

Simon had spent most of their time in the library talking about himself and Alec, and more and more Magnus found himself wanting to get to know the man. He just had to get Alec to talk to him first.

 

\---

 

Magnus settled in a quaint Brooklyn cafe and went back into the his emails, and giggled softly again at Gideon’s obvious lack of exploration into LGBT* literature.

 

_ “Hey Gideon, _

 

_ Sorry it took me a little while to reply, I was drowning in essays. _

 

_ It’s okay that it doesn’t make sense. It never does at first. But it will. With time.  _

 

_ As we have concluded, it will take some time and be a long journey, but that’s okay too. _

 

_ You’re great just the way you are Gideon, Im sure of it. I may not know you that well yet, but I can already tell you’re worth it. _

 

_ I must admit you’re question about Simon Spier made me laugh, Gideon, you must read the book, ‘Simon vs the Homosapien Agenda’. I think it may help. _

 

 

  * __M”__



 

 

_ \--- _

 

Alec had spent the remainder of his weekend catching up on work and helping Isabelle. He did pretty much anything in his power to distract his mind from straying back to the emails. He’d worked well into the early hours of the morning on Saturday into Sunday and the same again leading into Monday. Alec had found that, if he worked until he was exhausted, then his dreams wouldn’t be plagued with thoughts of the emails.

 

By the time Monday morning rolled around, Alec’s brain was fried, and he could barely keep his eyes open. Exhaustion weighed heavily into his bones. He had contemplated the idea of skipping class, but he’d never done it before and certainly wasn’t about to start now, especially when he was meeting with his father after his Economics lecture.

 

\---

 

When he got to his lecture Alec settled in his usual seat and waited for the Professor, who was of course, late.

 

Alec waited rather impatiently at first for the Professor to turn up, but as he felt his frustrations rising, he thought it was best to distract himself, so he played a game he and Isabelle used to play.

 

His gaze scanned across them room and everytime it settled on someone he made up stories or tales about that person’s life. He knew he should be preparing notes, or doing something else productive to pass the time, but this was more fun.

 

At least it was, until his eyes landed on Magnus.

 

In truth Alec felt terrible at how he’d rushed out of the library and failed to at least introduce himself to the man. But it was probably for the best, at least for now. He couldn’t help it, but everytime Alec saw him, his brain turned to mush. He was incapable of forming coherent thoughts.

 

Alec hated that about Magnus. They didn’t even know each other. To Alec, this was just another justification of how stupid he, himself was. Alec’s eyes lingered on Magnus, in fact his gaze all but burned a hole in the back of the man’s head. It was like Alec was entranced. For a brief, fleeting moment a thought passed over his mind that maybe he could talk to Magnus, befriend him, maybe something more, but a larger part of Alec demolished that idea before it was even half formed. It wasn’t right.

 

Alec knew that voice was equally as wrong, even M said so, but he couldn’t help thinking that everything was entirely hopeless. That he was hopeless too.

 

Alec didn’t even notice when the Professor entered the room. He didn’t notice when the lecture started. He didn’t notice anything, not even the stinging from the tears that had started to well in his eyes.

 

“Mr. Bane, do you have something you wish to share?” 

 

The Professor’s voice knocked Alec from his ittle bubble, he’d forgotten where he was for a moment, something that seemed to be happening a lot.

 

“Good. Now as I was saying-” the Professor continued.

 

Alec knew he should be paying attention but his fingers itched to grab his bag and to leave. He wanted to sleep for a thousand years.  In the end the more logical side of himself won, listen first, then see his father, then sleep will come. 

 

\---

 

At the end of the lecture the Professor asked for the essays assigned previously to be handed in on the way out. Alec grabbed his from his bag, already being prepared for it. Then he slung his bag back onto his back and made his way towards the front. 

 

While he was waiting in line to hand in his essay his eyes locked eyes with none other than, Magnus Bane. Magnus, to Alec’s surprise shot him a smile and a small wave. At first Alec’s systems shut down and he couldn’t fathom what to do. A beat passed, before he managed to gather himself. He waved, his face most likely burning.

 

Alec’s heart pounded in his chest for longer than necessary. He didn’t calm down until he’d left campus, having fled as fast as he could.

 

He wanted this day to be over, but more than that he wanted to be normal and unaffected by the likes of Magnus Bane.

 

\---

 

“You booked where?” Robert scowled.

 

Isabelle swallowed audibly before replying, “Guastavino’s.” 

 

“Again, where?” Robert quirked his eyebrow.

 

“Look, Dad, if-”

 

Robert slammed his hand onto his desk with far more force than necessary, “I asked you to book one place specifically, Isabelle. Why have you not done that?”

 

“It was fully bo-”

 

“If I may.” Alec cut in, he wasn’t about to let Isabelle drop herself in it. “Guastavino’s  has a culinary team that will design a custom Gala Dinner menu for us, specifically to our, your, tastes. They have the highest staff-to-guest ratio of any gala event space in New York City, so it’s the best level of personal service. Plus, the space is beautiful. It’ll be a good change, Dad, it’ll be unique and unforgettable.”

 

“Change is not always for the best.” Robert’s gaze bore into Alec.

 

Alec squirmed under the stern look, he got the uncomfortable impression that his father was no longer talking about just the venue.

 

“Dad, trust us? For once.” Isabelle pleaded, mumbling the last part to herself.

 

“Fine. But I expect it to be perfect.” 

 

“Promise.” Alec and Isabelle spoke at the same time.

 

“Good, now I need you both to leave. I have a meeting shortly.”

 

Alec looked at Isabelle from the corner of his eye. Her back was pin straight and her lips were set into a thin line. It was eery how much she resembled their mother in that moment, that was until she broke into a grin and politely said her goodbyes.

 

Alec also stood and said his farewells.

 

Together the pair of them walked to the elevator and stood side by side on the way down. 

 

At some point Alec’s phone chimed loudly in his pocket, and recognising the unique ringtone he scrambled to read the new email.

 

“Easy there Tiger, what’s so important?” Isabelle laughed lightly, she’d never seen Alec act like that.

 

“Huh, oh… nothing, it’s no one, I suppose.” Alec spluttered and he shoved the phone back into his pocket.

 

“Okay, well. See you on Friday?” Isabelle narrowed her eyes at him, and lingered slightly, as if to prompt further details.

 

“Yes, yeah. Bye.”

 

\---

 

As soon as Isabelle was out of sight Alec immediately grabbed his phone and opened the email, not caring in the slightest that he was standing in the middle of the lobby.

 

Alec read the email thoroughly, and his lips quirked into smile. Some how M’s words calmed him. All through the weekend Alec’s stomach was churning, and he felt as if there was a swarm of bats in there, not just butterflies, all wanting to break out, but just a few short words from M stopped it all. It felt like fluttering. The feeling brought joy to him, and for once he didn’t feel so wrong.

 

“What are you smiling at?”

 

“Shit.” Alec’s heart leapt out of his chest. “Dad, I thought you had a meeting?”

 

Robert smirked, and left Alec’s question unacknowledged. “I hope that’s a girl you’re talking to and not some game.” 

 

Alec tuned him out, he was finally feeling a little better and couldn’t deal with anymore unnecessary comments. “Yeah, wait, what?”

 

“Good to hear son, I’m proud. Now don’t keep her waiting. I’ll see you on Friday.” Robert whacked Alec on the back and promptly strode out of the building.

 

Alec stumbled to catch up. “What? Dad, I wasn’t. Dad! Fuck.”

 

\---

  
  


Nothing and no-one had the ability to set Alec’s teeth on edge better than his father did. The happiness brought on by the email was spoiled by his father’s assumptions. It succeeded in bringing the conversation from Friday night back to the forefront of his mind. It was a conversation he’d rather bury deep down and forget. Every word was a stabbing sensation that he wanted to smother. But no matter how hard he tried, he was always reminded of it. 

 

Alec marched himself out of the building and down the street. As he walked his fingers pressed into the skin of his palms, leaving angry red crescents in their wake. His whole body shook, he could almost feel his bones rattling. 

 

One hand moved to the opposite wrist and his fingers ran over the hair band; they curled underneath it and he was just about to pull it back when he thought better of it. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

 

Alec’s fingers paused against the hair band before he found it in himself to let go. Then he continued walking and tried to calm himself down. Instead he thought back to the email, and set about finding the nearest bookshop.

 

\---

 

Alec wandered around the store helplessly looking for the book. His hands were slumped in his pockets and his lips were pursed.

 

Thankfully his lost look was picked up on by a member of staff, because there was no way he could pluck up the courage to ask himself. “Excuse me. Do you need any help there, Sir?”

 

Alec jumped, startled and spun around, praying that there wasn’t anyone he knew around, “Yes, you don’t, um, do you... um do you have a copy of Simon vs the Homosapien Agenda?”

 

“Of course,” the lady beamed at Alec,“Right this way. Are you wanting to get it read before the movie comes out?”

 

“Movie?” Alec was perplexed, he would have thought M would have mentioned that? He’d have to ask later.

 

“Yeah. I’m so excited for it!” Her smiled got wider, how that was even possible, Alec wasn’t sure. “Anyway, here you go.”

 

“Thank you.” Alec smiled at her then turned to pick up the book. He stood and stared at the back cover. His eyes widened as he read the blurb. Alec could vividly imagine sparks going off in his head and his brain working overtime to connect everything to stop a short circuit. In short, despite receiving a wonderfully insightful quote from ‘M’, Alec wasn’t quite prepared to accept that a book like this was hitting the mainstream. It didn’t seem real. Yet here he was, finally holding something that, for once, he may find himself in.

 

‘M’ was right, this book would help a lot, that much Alec knew, and he hadn’t even opened it yet.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Alec started reading the book as soon as he returned to his room. He curled up on his bed, hugging his knees and started. 

 

Hours passed by, not that Alec had noticed. He poured himself into the pages, absorbing every word. He read until he was almost cross-eyed and the words began to merge as his eyes filled with stray tears. 

 

He didn’t even notice when the door flung open, “Oh, sweet you’re reading Simon vs, we should go see the movie together.”

 

Alec jolted, his heart pounded and every nerve caught on fire. He shouldn’t feel so guilty about reading a book and yet. “What?”

 

Simon grinned. “Which part are you up to?”

 

Alec took a deep breath, he shouldn’t feel so awful. It’s just Simon. “Abby just rejected Martin.”

 

“Oh heck.” Simon yelled.

 

Alec snapped his head around.“What? Fuck, what do you mean, ‘oh heck’?”

 

Simon groaned dramatically, as if to physically restrain himself from spoiling it. “Just keep reading.”

 

“Simon? Shit.”

 

Simon didn’t respond, instead he smiled wickedly and ignored Alec’s further pleas for spoilers.

 

\---

 

Alec flung the book down onto the bed, “I can’t believe he did that. How can people not understand that discovering you’re gay is hard enough and coming out it a big deal, and it’s scary. It’s so personal, even if you’re doing it by your own free will, it’s terrifying. And Martin just forced him? All because Abby said no?  Abby didn’t like Martin, and basically his entire plan was to blackmail Simon until she did?” 

 

Simon looked at his friend and nodded slowly. “People can be awful, Alec. That’s the world we live in.”

 

“People have no clue. Having someone control your every move is a horrible feeling, and to have them then dangle something that could ruin everything for you over your head? You feel so out of control, like you can’t even have your own emotions, like your life isn’t your life anymore, like you can’t step a toe out of line.”

 

“Alec? Is there something you want to talk about?” Simon spoke softly. His brow was burrowed in concern, he’d never heard Alec speak so passionately about something. But the most striking thing were the tears glistening in Alec’s eyes, threatening to roll down his cheeks. Simon choose not to say anything about that, since Alec clearly hadn’t noticed.

 

“No. I’m just invested in the book.” Alec insisted, though his laboured breathing suggested otherwise.

 

Simon nodded again and smiled softly, he was pretty sure he knew what was wrong, but he decided upon staying quiet, again. He knew first hand how hard it could be, “Okay. In that case, I agree. It’s shocking how we treat each other.” 

 

“Simon, there’s still half the book left. It only gets worse, doesn’t it?”

 

“Tell me when you’re done.”

 

\---

 

Simon fell asleep not longer before Alec started the final chapters, and he didn’t want to wake him once he’d finished. So when Alec flipped over the final page he wasn’t sure what to do with himself.

 

People often talk about ‘mixed feelings’, and that’s exactly what Alec felt. He was torn. On one side he was elated by the happy ending, it wasn’t often that he’d been so invested in a story. But on the other the events of the book had unearthed a whole host of issues that Alec had buried. 

 

He knew he had a few options in the moment: to do what he always did, forget and move on, or to sit here and stew about it and have yet another sleepless night, again that was something he did often, or finally, he could, for once, talk about it. There was only one person who Alec felt comfortable talking about it to, because this person was close enough and similar enough to understand but also far enough away to not pass judgement in him. 

 

After contemplating his options, Alec logged onto his emails and allowed the words to flood out of him. He didn’t even bother to edit his words, knowing that if he did, he would crack and delete it all.

  
  


_ “Hey M, _

 

_ I know the feeling, drowning in essay’s would be the worst way to go though, so I’m glad you pulled through. _

 

_ And I know you only sent your message this morning, but it’s nearly 11pm and I just finished the book. You didn’t mention it was also going to be a movie??? _

 

_ I can’t wait to see where they take it! And how they handle Blue. For the record though, I was rooting for cute Bram, but I still had a heart attack when it turned out to be him!!! That scene was perfection! _

 

_ You were right though, reading it did help. I don’t think I’ve ever related to a character so much, which is fairly shocking, given the vast array of worlds and characters out there. _

 

_ Being entirely pissed off with Martin, brought forward a lot of emotions that I didn’t know I felt, which I guess I’ll have to deal with. _

 

_ There was one part that struck me, “ _ _ And this gay thing. It feels so big. It's almost insurmountable. I don't know how to tell them something like this and still come out of it feeling like Simon. Because if Leah and Nick don't recognize me, I don't even recognize myself anymore.” _

 

_ I guess that’s part of why I can’t say it. I never liked change. Everything has always been the way it’s supposed to be. Everything is mapped out and my life has been planned. Everyone knows who I am, or well, who I should be. Sometimes it seems like everyone knows except me. _

 

_ But really, even they don’t know? If I don’t have a clue about myself, how can they? Why should they?  _

 

_ Every decision feels so massive, but none of them are my own? This is the only thing that I get to say for myself, but I just can’t, I don’t know how. And a big part of me doesn’t want to, because nothing will be the same. _

 

_ After everything Simon went through he still got a happy ending. I want that too, but I worry it’ll never happen, at least not like that. _

  
  


 

  * __Gideon”__



 

 

\---

 

Magnus slowly and reluctantly woke up early the next morning. He blinked, wincing slightly at the harsh sunlight streaming through the window. He hated when Raphael woke up first and opened the blinds, Magnus swore the man did it just for the sheer joy of spiting Magnus.  He sat up and dragged his feet off the bed, and rubbed his kuckles across his eyes.

 

“Why did I pick morning classes?” Magnus groaned and stretched his arms above his head with a yawn.

 

With great effort Magnus shuffled to the bathroom to get ready then dragged himself to his closet. He rifled through all of his clothes at least three times before deciding on an outfit. The key was looking effortlessly fabulous, despite putting a shed load of thought into every last detail.

 

Lastly, he grabbed his phone and bag and moved towards the door, though one notification in particular caught his eye and a bright smile quickly lit up his face.

 

Magnus wasted no time opening the email. As he took in the first few lines, his smile sparkled and he was amazed that Gideon had managed to read the book so quickly. However, as he scanned further down the screen his upturned lips swiftly pulled into a frown.

 

Magnus read and reread the message. Gideon has poured his heart out and Magnus was sure 

that he’d never said anything like this to anyone before. In a way Magnus was happy that Gideon seemed to trust him enough to share this much about himself, but at the same time Magnus wasn’t sure how to respond.

Without a second thought Magnus dumped his bag onto the floor and walked backwards until the back of his knees hit the bed, and then he flopped backwards. Class could wait just this once.

_ “Hi Gideon, _

_ Cute Bram! And the part where Simon thinks Bram has a crush on Leah, gosh I can’t cope. Oh and the part where Simon says, “The way I feel about him is like a heartbeat -- soft and persistent, underlying everything.” Just perfection! _

_ You need to go watch the trailer!!!! It’s slightly different but still looks brilliant. I’m just excited there’s going to be a mainstream lgbt* love story like this. Heterosexual people and their relationships still dominate mainstream culture, but we’re moving in the right direction. _

_ I’m glad it helped you. Seeing yourself represented and having something to relate to is important. Not only can you learn something from it, but it can make you look back into yourself, too. _

_ You’re still you, Gideon. I hope the people who love you understand that. The fact that you’re lgbt* shouldn’t change anything, it’s not like it makes you a completely different person, it’s just that everything's out in the open.  _

_ You’re still you, and that shouldn’t take away from your future.  _

_ And even if you’re not completely sure yet who you are, that’s okay. You have your whole life to decide who you are and who you want to be. But don’t let anyone make those decisions for you, because you’re the one who has to live with the aftermath.  _

_ Maybe you could start with small decisions, that way it doesn’t seem so scary. _

_ If it’s too much, too soon, you don’t need to label yourself or come out to anyone, not if you don’t want to. But just know,  the world will not implode and the sky will not fall down if you make a choice, no matter which one it is. And if you need me to, I’ll still be here. _

_ But I will say, live for yourself, Gideon, be yourself. It’s your life, don’t let other people hold you back. _

_ And I’m sure you’ll get a happy ending, you deserve it. _

 

  * __M”__



 

Magnus reread what he’d written before pressing send. He really hoped that what he was saying was helpful. In truth, he was only writing what he wished he had known back when he first went through all of this. But more than anything, he hoped that Gideon would continue messaging him. They’ve only written to each other a few times, but Magnus was slowly becoming used to having a routine. He found himself slowly never wanting it to end.

\---

“I think I’m going to go study outside. It’s too nice out, and I can’t stay in this room any longer.” Simon rolled to face Alec, but he misjudged the distance and landed with a thump on the floor. He seemed unfazed by the accident, as if the mishap was a frequent occurrence - which it was - and stared up at Alec.

Alec suppressed a smirk at his friend’s misfortune and nodded. “Ok, you going to meet Raphael?”

“No, I was wanting you to come with me.”

“Oh, you sure?  Because I’m practically falling asleep here.” Alec had no clue as to why he was so tired. After emailing ‘M’ he’d fallen straight to sleep. Perhaps his tiredness was due to the mind numbingly boring nature of the assignment he was trying to complete for International Business Studies. Or maybe his body was finally catching up and cashing in on the hours lost due to his emotional dilemmas as of late, well as of always.

“You’ll be fine, the fresh air will do you some good.”

“Alright, mother.”

\---

They’d been at the park for a couple of hours when Alec’s eyes started to flutter. Even in the bustling park filled with noise Alec failed to focus. 

Alec poked softly at Simon’s face to gain his attention. “Simon, I can’t even keep my eyes open.”

Without missing a beat, or even looking up from his notes Simon batted Alec’s hand away. “So go to sleep.”

Alec huffed. “Here? No.”

“It’s fine. Just take a nap and sunbathe. I won’t let anyone steal your stuff.”

Simon wasn’t even looking at him but Alec could tell that he was rolling his eyes.

“You better not.” 

With that Alec lay back and settled onto the blanket they had laid out. It was the perfect day.The weather was beautiful. The best kind, where it feels like the kiss of summer only without the fiery heat of noon time in August. The grass was soft and the sky was a pristine blue. It was blissful. Eventually, Alec closed his eyes and focused on one sound out of many. It was a bird singing, and the sweet sound lulled Alec to sleep.

\---

“Isn’t that Sebastian?” Magnus pointed across the park.

It took some time but Magnus had eventually dragged himself away from his emails to attend the rest of his classes for the day. He’d met Raphael afterwards and the two of them decided to make the most of the sun and take a detour through the park before meeting up with their other friends for dinner.

“Who?” Realisation dawned on Raphael and he whipped around to follow Magnus’ finger. “It’s Simon.”

“Careful. If you turn any faster your head will snap off.” Magnus remarked, choosing to ignore the name correction, he laughed at his friends eagerness. “Well let’s go over then.” Magnus grabbed the hem of Raphael’s shirt and began dragging him over  to Simon.

Magnus yelled a greeting across the park, startling Simon out of his concentration. It wasn’t until they got closer that Magnus noticed a sleeping Alec. “Is he okay?”

“Oh yeah.” Simon proded Alec, as if to check whether or not he was still breathing, “He’s fine, just tired.”

A smile crept onto Magnus’ face. “Someone should put sunscreen on him, a sweetheart like him shouldn’t burn.”

Simon laughed. “I’m not sure he’d appreciate that.”

“Bless him.”

Simon and Raphael started their own conversation, mumbling to one another. Magnus didn’t think he’s ever seen Raphael smile so much, so brightly in such a short space of time. 

Magnus left the two of them to talk and returned his focus to Alec.He supposed it may have been creepy to watch someone he barely knows sleep, but he couldn’t help himself. Alec was normally so shy, he either avoided eye contact all together or left before Magnus could properly take him in. 

Every feature only adds to Alec’s beauty, though Magnus’ favourite thing about Alec were his eyes. People often speak of eye’s as the windows to the soul, and that is especially true for Alec, as far as Magnus sees anyways.

Alec often wears a blank expression, but from the glances Magnus steals, Alec’s eyes often betray him. Although, he doesn’t think Alec realises that. Not only that, but Alec’s eyes are a beautiful shade, and from them comes a certain intensity, an honesty, a gentleness. They’re so expressive, Magnus wouldn’t be opposed to staring into them for long periods of time, but he fears he may get lost.

For once, Alec’s face was free of worry and lines of concentration. He looked serene. It made Magnus heart jolt. So Magnus may be slightly intrigued by Alec. Slightly probably wasn’t a strong enough word, he was completely infatuated.

Of course Magnus knew that beauty wasn't skin deep, and he hardly knows Alec, but he can already guess that Alec’s soul shines bright. If only Alec would stop running and actually talk to him.

“Magnus. Magnus, let’s go we’re going to be late.” Raphael snapped, and his time, he was the one to drag Magnus by his shirt.

“Ok, bye, Seth.”

“Bye, Magnus.” Simon shot him a knowing smile and nodded towards Alec, winking in the most obvious manner.

“See you on Friday, Love?” Raphael asked.

“Yeah.” Simon blushed. In fact his cheeks when a shade of pink so bright that Magnus considered taking his temperature and calling an ambulance.

\---

“So…” Alec nudged Simon’s shoulder, and smirked, fully enjoying Simon’s embarrassment. “You and Raphael are getting on rather nicely.”

Simon averted his eyes and kicked at a stone as they walked back to their dorm. “It’s been like five days, Alec.”

“Five days of constant contact, with only, oh, I don’t know, several months worth of mutual pining?” Alec snorted and he rolled his eye, although his light smile betrayed his sarcastic tone.

“Yeah.” Simon sighed, all light and dreamy. “I really like him.”

“I know.”

“I think Magnus likes you.” Simon blurted out, and afterwards he fought the urge to facepalm, he hadn’t meant to say that, Alec always gets particularly prickly about these sorts of things.

“No.” Alec shook his head. He wouldn’t even entertain the idea that such a thing could be possible, and even if it was he would never act upon it. “I’ve never even spoken to him. Besides, why does it matter that he likes me?”

“So speak to him.” Simon chose not the answer that last part, he supposed Alec meant it rhetorically and answering it would lead to a discussion he clearly wasn’t ready for.

“Why would I do that?” Alec asked, looking anywhere but at Simon.

“Oh because his best friends is my boyfriend. Plus, he likes you.”

Alec snapped his neck around, “You just said boyfriend.”

“What? No. Alec that’s not the point.” Simon sputtered, the whole situation was making him flustered, and he didn’t miss the way Alec was trying to steer the spotlight away from Magnus. But, as always, Simon let it go.

“Yes, you did.” Alec smiled, partially at Simon’s slip up but a little at the fact he’d successfully diverted the conversation away from Magnus.

“I hate you.” Simon grumbled, but the slight upturned quirk of his lips suggested otherwise. Simon was too lovestruck to care.

\---

Simon scrunched his nose up at Alec, “Family dinner again?”

“As always,” Alec replied, straightening his tie.

“Enjoy,” Simon snorted.

Alec rolled his eyes. He really was worried that one day they would roll right out of his head. “Doubtful.”

\---

“Alec, your father tells me you have a girlfriend? I thought we agreed studies first, women second?” Maryse questions, her eyes staring right through Alec. Her mind was clearly preoccupied with other matters. She was resorting to small talk. Always fantastic.

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” Alec protested, but his parents continued to argue over the top of him. 

“No, Maryse, you were the only one who agreed to that.” Robert said coldly.

That caught her attention. “Don’t be difficult, Robert.”

“I’m not. I’m only doing what is best.”

“Well, so am I.”

Alec sighed, it was as if he was invisible. “Do I not get to decide what is best?”

“No.” They said in perfect unison, it was perhaps the only thing Alec has heard them agree upon in years.

“I, for one think it would be best for you to do a summer program abroad to further enhance your foreign language skills. Your father, however thinks you should sleep with several frivolous daughters from different businesses and catch a summer STD.”

“Maryse, do not twist my words. I merely suggested that Alec should try the samples before committing to a person beneficial to himself and the company. Be a man, Alec.”

“Dad! Don’t be so disgusting.” Isabelle protested. She often thought better of getting herself involved in these discussions, but her father had the nasty habit of using foul language, and it made her blood boil. 

Alec’s knuckles had turned white from clenching his fists too hard against his thighs in an effort to remain silent . Enough was enough.  “Again, where was I during this conversation?”

“Alec, must we go over the same topic. Image matters. You need to have the perfect public persona. Anything else is unacceptable.” Robert insisted.

“What, so the average, all American dream, a pretty wife, a big house, a white picket fence?” That was the breaking point for Alec’s patience. At that moment ever word tasted bitter in his mouth and dripped in sarcasm. 

Though of course his father missed it all, in fact it only spurred him on. “Exactly. Anything else would make the business go under. Imagine if you were some sort of gay, that would be disastrous for out image.”

Alec turned to his father and looked him in the eyes.“I’d rather take the summer abroad.” 

“That’s my boy.” Maryse laughed, as if nothing had happened, and the rest of the dinner carried on as normal.

Isabelle leant over to whisper in Alec’s ear. “Why do I keep turning up to these dinners.”

“I was thinking the same thing. But I just can’t stop myself.”


	8. Chapter 8

_ “Hey M, _

 

_ I watched the trailer. You’re right, it is slightly different, but it still looks good. Amazing even, I got this strange little buzz in my stomach just watching it. That’s never happened before. _

 

_ When Simon’s mom says, “It’s almost like I can feel you holding your breath.” _

 

_ It’s exactly that? This feeling of ‘oh shit’, a tight ball in my stomach everytime someone mentions a girlfriend or getting married to a woman, or everytime my parents try to set me up. That itching feeling, I could never properly describe it. But I guess that’s right, it’s like holding your breath and you can’t breathe properly until it’s over and even then there’s still this pressure. And it’s not always there, but everytime I think about it, the feeling reappears. _

 

_ I would do anything to have parents like Simon’s. _

 

_ When will I get to exhale? When I can finally say the words? When I’m out? When the whole goddamn world knows? I just want to breathe. _

 

_ But you’re right. It’s my life and my choices and I need to live with them. _

 

_ Small steps.  _

 

_ Firstly I’m gay. As if you already couldn’t tell. But I guess that’s the first time I’ve said it, typed it, you get what I mean. _

 

_ I’m gay.  _

 

 

  * __Gideon”__



 

 

_ \--- _

 

_ “Hi Gideon, _

 

_ I didn’t want to assume. But Gideon, I’m so happy that felt comfortable enough to tell me that.  _

 

_ And I get what you mean, the whole itching feeling, and not being able to breathe. It comes and it goes, but sometimes you just want to claw your way out and wish you weren’t the way that you are.  _

 

_ But you can breathe a little easier now, Gideon, you’ve made such a big step saying it outloud (well typing it). You don’t have to go any further than that if you don’t want to, or aren’t comfortable. Only you can decide when enough is enough, when your journey is complete, and how far you want to go.  _

 

 

  * __M”__



 

 

_ \--- _

 

_ “Hi M, _

 

_ After typing it and hitting send, I would have thought I would have felt panicked and a little ill. I thought the temptation to scream would have been overwhelming. Instead, it was a relief. I’ve been carrying this around for so long, treading so carefully, always watching what I say because I’ve been terrified. But saying it to you? It was so easy? You just make everything so simple and comforting, like you won’t ever hate me, or judge me, or treat me differently. _

 

_ It’s nice. _

 

_ If you don’t mind me asking, what was it like for you? _

 

 

  * __Gideon”__



 

_ \--- _

 

_ “Hi Gideon! _

 

_ I don’t think I could ever hate you, or judge you. I’ve been there, Gideon. I know what it feels like to be dragged through a hedge backwards and have people turn against you for being yourself. I’ve learnt that those people aren’t worth it though. And I would never inflict it on anyone. _

 

_ I guess it’s a typical story. I like to describe myself as a freewheeling bisexual. I’ve always been pretty comfortable in my sexuality, and who I am. It’s other people who take the issue.  _

 

_ They don’t think boys should wear makeup, or do this or that. And it was a struggle at first because I wanted to fit in. But you shouldn’t have to shove yourself into a box just for the sake of other people.  _

 

_ I’m happy being me, and wearing what I wear, and acting how I act and if people take offence, that’s on them. _

 

 

  * __M”__



 

 

_ \--- _

 

_ “Good morning! _

 

_ What? So fuck what people think, basically? _

 

_ ‘There is nothing immoral about who you are or who you love. You are you, and who you are can be pretty damn fabulous, if you let yourself. ‘ _

 

_ I’ll have to take a leaf out of your book and try that, although that’s easier said than done with your own parents. _

 

 

  * __Gideon”__



 

 

_ \--- _

 

_ “Good Morning to you too! _

 

_ Are you direct quoting me?  _

 

_ That’s right though, I am fabulous. And so are you. _

 

 

  * __Love, M”__



 

_ \--- _

 

_ “M, _

 

_ Yes, I’m direct quoting you, It’s my new mantra, every time I feel that itch and suffocating feeling I just remind myself of you and your words. _

 

_ Now, I hope you have a day as fabulous as you are. _

 

 

  * __Love, Gideon”__



 

 

_ \--- _

 

_ “Gideon, _

 

_ That might be hard. I’ve been told that I’m pretty damn fabulous. And if there’s a day as good as I, then nothing will ever beat it. _

 

_ I hope you have a great day too x _

 

 

  * __Love, M”__



 

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

“Who are you talking to?” Simon asked. He was staring at Alec with a strange, almost smug look on his face, like the cat who got the cream.

 

Alec glanced at Simon from the corner of his eye, but didn’t bother to properly look up. He was too preoccupied with logging into his emails. “No one.”

 

“You’re a terrible liar.” Simon snorted.

 

“It’s nothing, really.” Lies. It was everything and so much more to Alec.

 

Simon rolled his eyes and flung his legs off of his bed and walked to the closet to grab his jacket. “Doesn’t look like nothing. You’ve been smiling at your laptop screen like that off and on for months now. I’ve noticed. I’m not dumb.” 

 

“Then why are you only asking now?” Alec countered with a raise of an eyebrow.

 

Simon sighed. He had really been trying not to push Alec, but he was beginning to think his friend might finally open up to him. “Because you’re clearly not going to tell me, so you left me no choice but to pry it out of you.”

 

“It’s nothing. Just different things.” Again, lies. Alec didn’t know why he was so hesitant to share things with Simon. Perhaps he knew that while he’d come so far and while his relationship with ‘M’ was extremely close, he didn’t want anything to change. Alec knew he was falling for ‘M’, even a blind man could see that; but beyond admitting he had feelings for men to himself, he still wasn’t ready to admit it to anyone else. Not even Simon. Not yet.

 

“Right. Well then.” Simon paused, and narrowed his eyes. “Seriously, you still won’t tell me?”

 

“There’s nothing to tell.” Lies. There was everything to tell. Months of months of shared emails, secrets and moments. But Alec wasn’t ready for all of that to be out in the open. He’s never felt this way about anyone, and to tell people about ‘M’ would mean he would have to come out. Which is the one reason he hasn’t told ‘M’ who he is yet. Too much would change.

 

“Fine.” Simon huffed, but finally dropped the subject. “You still going to family dinner again tonight?”

 

“Yes, dinner is at six o’clock.”

 

“Have fun. I’m meeting up with Raphael and Magnus in about twenty minutes to go to Hunter’s Moon, which by the way, is another thing you can’t come to with us. Raphael and I have been dating for months and you’ve never even spoken to him!”

 

“What are you on about? I’ve met Raphael literally hundreds of times?”

 

“You’re such an idiot sometimes. I’m talking about Magnus!” Simon threw his hands up at Alec’s puzzled expression. “You're my best friend. He’s Raphael's. And you’ve never hung out? You’re in the same class, and you haven’t even spoken to each other. It’s weird.”

 

“It’s not weird, our schedules just seem to clash when you invite us to hang out. Things always get in the way? I’ll try and sort something.”

 

“Good.” Simon grabbed his key and made his way over to the door, laughing lightly at Alec’s eager demeanour towards his laptop and how he barely even lifted his eyes up once. Whatever it is, whoever it is, they must be pretty special.

 

Alec hummed, a new email from ‘M’ had just come into his inbox, so he wasn’t even listening to Simon anymore. The funny thing was he wasn’t expecting an email. The two of them had a pretty set flow, emailing back and forth. Never before had one of them sent two emails in a row.

 

Seeing the new email sent a shiver down Alec’s spine and his smile dropped. He knew it was ridiculous, as he didn’t even know the contents, but his mind had an annoying tendency to jump to conclusions and to always expect the worst.

 

“Alec?” Simon had noticed the way Alec’s skin lost it’s glow within seconds, and he didn’t miss Alec’s fingers creeping towards the band on his wrist. “Alec?”

 

“One minute.” 

 

“ _ Hey Gideon! _

 

_ I know I just sent you an email, and I’m not just sending you another one to continue my rant about cats, which, by the way, I’m not sorry for. _

 

_ It was actually something more important, that I’ve been thinking about for a while.  _

 

_ I’ve been spending my days thinking about you, every time something happens the first person I think about telling is you.  _

 

_ You always remember the small things too, you make me heart beat out of my  chest, you make me laugh like know one else can. You’ve bared your heart to me, and I to you. You know me better than anyone.  _

 

_ I never really thought it was possible to feel this way about anyone. But Gideon, I think you’re the Blue to my Jacques. _

  
  
  


_ I want to meet you, Gideon. Or at least talk to you properly, to hear your voice. _

 

_ We don’t have to if you’re not comfortable. I understand that, because of your parents, you aren’t in a place to come out, and I would never ask you to do that.  _

 

_ Just please think about it? If you ever need to, or want to meet, call me -  _ _ (917)449-4746. _

 

 

  * __Love, M”__



 

 

“Shit.” Alec flung his head back, hitting the wall behind him with a resounding thump. 

 

“Alec?”

 

“Sorry, it’s nothing.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah, just a dumb Professor.”

 

“Ah. I’ll see you later. Let me know if you can come meet us once you’re done with dinner.”

 

“Sure thing.” He wouldn’t be. Alec knew that much already. It was going to be a long night.

 

\---

 

_ “Dear M, _

 

_ I want you in my life too. I want to know you, all of you, the real you.  _

 

_ I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. _

 

_ But I can’t, not yet. I’m not ready.  _

 

_ I hope you understand. _

 

 

  * __Love Gideon”__



 

 

Alec pushed his laptop away and refused to look at it again. He couldn’t bear it. Instead, he stared at the wall in front of him. His lips trembled slightly and his shoulders were weighted with emotion. Alec refused to break, but it was no use, his dark lashes brimmed with tears and his hands clenched against his knees.

 

He wasn’t going to cry, he wasn’t going to let a single tear fall. He promised himself that much.

 

It didn’t take long for him to break that promise.

 

A lone tear traced down Alec’s cheek and he harshly wiped it away. Why was he like this? Why do did he care so much about what other people think? What if letting ‘M’ in meant that he lost someone else, or everything else? 

 

It was a risk. 

 

Alec wanted ‘M’ more than anything, and they’ve come so far together. But he wouldn’t let anything be tarnished by the current mess he was in. 

 

‘M’ wasn’t asking him to come out, but Alec knew if they met, that if they found each other in their real lives, that he wouldn’t be able to hold back. But he wasn’t prepared to lie anymore, or to hide.

 

Alec didn’t want to hide, but he couldn’t face the light either. 

 

\---

 

Alec buttoned up his shirt and brushed his hair so it was up to his mother’s exceptionally high standards. Isabelle had always told him that looking good would make him feel good too, and, if he ignored the puffy redness lingering underneath his eyes, then he supposed he looked alright. Even if he certainly didn’t feel it.

 

He decided to walk to his parent’s house, hoping the walk and fresh air would give him some time to think. The whole journey Alec’s shoulders were slumped, his eyes were cast downwards, and as much as he tried not to, he could feel that his mouth was set into a pout.

 

Eventually, he arrived at his parent’s house. His mood still in shreds and his head and heart had never been more torn, but, even when his mother opened the door, he plastered a beaming smile across his face.

 

“Hello.”

 

“Alec, you’re late?” Maryse’s lips were set into a frown, but it quickly disappeared as she seemed to register Alec’s mood. “That’s not like you. Are you alright?”

 

“I’m good.I just walked instead. I must have misjudged the timings.”

 

“Okay. Well everyone is already sat down.”

 

Alec followed his mother through to the dining room, pulling his shoulders up and back. 

 

“Nice of you to finally join us.” Robert sneered. He didn’t bother to look up. Instead, he scraped his cutlery along his plate and allowed the uncomfortable scraping to hang in the pause that enveloped them. “For a good reason I hope?”

 

“He’s been late once, Dad, just leave it.” Isabelle rolled her eyes and smiled comfortingly at Alec.

 

Maryse patted Alec lightly on the back and moved around the table to her seat. “We were just discussing the Gala.”

 

“Oh, what about it?” Alec asked politely, not that he really cared.

 

“Mainly the guest list.” Isabelle answered him. “The invitations-”

 

Robert hummed, and held a hand up to Isabelle, promptly cutting her off.  “Speaking of, Alec. Christopher Moore, from Moore and Johnson, his daughter has just arrived home from a fellowship in England. I think it might be a good idea for you two to meet.”

 

Alec’s heart twisted and sunk with his nerves, he knew exactly what his father was going to say, but for some reason, he asked anway. Part of him was hoping that he would be wrong, but Alec knew the chances were slim. “Why?”

 

“You’re both young and interested in Economics.” Robert paused, ignoring the stern glare that Maryse was shooting him. “You’re both single.”

 

“So?” Alec was already over this conversation. He couldn’t find it in himself to deflect right now. His mind was a jumble, completely scrambled, every insecurity was battling his feelings for ‘M’. Alec just knew his conversation would only serve to help his insecurities beat his heart down into a bloody pulp.

 

“So, there’s a month until the Gala. I suggest that you take on some responsibility and get to know her. Invite her to the Gala.”

 

“But I don’t want to.” Alec blurted out. He always made things worse for himself.

 

“It is not a question of whether or not you want to Alec. You have to.”

 

His father’s words had an air of finality to them, and Alec was aware that no matter how hard he railed against them, nothing would change his father's mind. But tonight, for once, it didn’t stop Alec, and he continued to argue. He put his new found brazenness to the confidence ‘M’ had given him. But although Alec’s own tone was firm, even he could hear the intense shaking behind them. “I really don’t have to.”

 

“Oh, you do. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think your reluctance to settle down was because you were some sort of-”

 

“Or maybe he just doesn’t want to be forced into a relationship.” Isabelle interjected, trying and failing to divert the attention away from Alec.

 

Robert ignored her and locked his eyes onto Alec, like a lion hunting its prey. “What, now you stop talking back? Come on Alec, don’t just sit there. Do you want to have a good reputation? Or do you want to be known as a reclusive fa-”

 

“Dad! Nobody thinks that except you. And besides, it doesn’t matter.” Isabelle shouted. Only to be ignored yet again.

 

“Call the damn girl, Alec. Make her happy and get her father on side.” 

 

“I’m not a company whore.” The words flew from his mouth before Alec could fully process them, in truth, he hadn’t meant to say it aloud. He knew instantly from the way his father’s nostrils flared that he’d crossed the line.

 

“What did you just say?”

 

“You only want to set me up will these woman because you want in with their fathers. I’m not doing it. I won’t lead people on so you can get into their pockets.”

 

“How dare you. That is not what I want, Alec.” Robert’s temper was like dynamite, once the sparks started to sizzle, there was very little time to duck and cover. It was at times like this when the truth started to come out. 

 

“Could have fooled me.” Alec muttered, unwilling to back down.

 

“I just want you to be normal.”

 

“I’m not doing anything wrong.”

 

“Your whole existence is wrong.” Robert yelled, the vein in his head throbbing as his anger grew and burst at the seams. “Everything about you, I’m not an idiot , Alec, I know what you are. I know why you’re so reluctant.”

 

“No. Don’t say that.” A strong buzzing filled Alec’s ears, and he wished he’d just kept his mouth shut. 

 

He could feel his breaths coming in sharp pants, and he tried desperately to regain control. Nothing was working. He tried to breathe calmly, to do the techniques ‘M’ has told him about in one of their emails, but he couldn’t. His father continued to hit him with cruel words.

 

Maryse and Isabelle argued with Robert, and the sound quickly suffocated Alec.  This is exactly what he was afraid of. 

 

“I need to go.” Alec stood up from his seat and headed towards the door, but a firm hand on his arm pulled him to a stop.

 

“Alec, sit down. You’re not the one leaving.” Maryse’s voice was level. She didn’t raise it even a single decibel. She was firm. Everything about her was tense, as if one wrong move in her direction would cause her to snap. She was controlled and in control, ready for maximum impact. 

 

“This is my house.” Robert countered, infuriated that his grip was slipping.

 

“Robert, get out.” If Robert’s temper was like dynamite, then Maryse’s was something far worse. She never snapped, never blew up, but if a person dared to lock horns with her, then they wouldn’t just have to duck for cover, they would have to run for their lives.

 

“I am not the disgrace. I will not leave.”

 

This argument was too agnosing for Alec to bear. Everything he thought he’d learnt and progressed from was crumbling down around him. ‘M’ had once told him that if he came out that the world would not implode, and the sky would not fall down, but his family had, and it was Alec’s fault. He knew that. “It’s fine, mom, I’ll go.”

 

“No, Alec, you’re in no state to leave.”

 

He ignored her, and turned to walk through the door.

 


	10. Chapter 10

“Simon, oh thank god you’re here.” Maia grabbed a hold of a startled Simon the second he walked through the door. “Our artist for tonight dropped out, could you fill in?”

 

“Uhh, um-” Simon stuttered. He looked back to Raphael to see him smiling encouragingly, and looked at Magnus to see him frowning at his phone screen. How odd. He’d never seen Magnus look so dejected. Then finally he turned back to Maia. “I  haven’t got my guitar or anything with me?”

 

Maia scratched her head in deep thought. “Well we have a mic and I’m pretty sure there’s an old guitar in the back.”

 

“You mean Doris.”Simon corrected, his face deathly serious.

 

“What?”

 

“The tatty old guitar, it’s name is Doris,” Simon repeated himself, his tone steady, though his twinkling eyes signalled the arriving giggle.

 

Maia rolled her eyes but joined him in laughing. “Right. Ok, so you can play?”

 

Simon shrugged “I don’t see why not.”

 

“You’re a lifesaver.” Maia sighed with relief and gathered Simon in a hug.

 

“Wait, what’s happening?” Magnus asked, finally lifting his now dull eyes off of his phone.

 

Raphael and Simon exchanged a glance, and a thousand words were shared with the simple look.

 

“I’m playing an unexpected set, but what’s got your mouth in a frown?”

 

“Gideon.” Magnus said simply.

 

Raphael's brows pulled together. “Oh. He isn’t going to call is he?”

 

“Who?” Simon’s mind was spinning with confusion. 

 

“Magnus’ email - actually what are you two?” Raphael asked.

 

Magnus huffed, he didn’t have an answer to that, as much as he wanted a one. “I don’t know. I thought we were on the same page, but I guess there is a lot he still has to deal with before he doesn’t feel conflicted about me.”

 

“Is he conflicted about you though? Or is he conflicted about meeting you and not wanting to lie about what you mean to him?”

 

“I’m so confused.”

 

“It’s complicated. Even I don’t know all of it.” Raphael wrapped an arm around Simon and pulled him in close.

 

“And it’ll stay that way, there’s this thing called privacy.” Magnus glared at the two of them, but there was no heat behind it, only unshed tears. “Let’s find a table.”

 

\---

 

Alec fled the house without a backwards glance. He ignored his mother’s calls for him to stay, and he blocked out his father’s scathing insults. 

 

He could feel the dread and panic seeping into his abdomen, like a cluster of sparks. Everything was a mess. The tension grew in his limbs, but he didn’t stop, and somehow he managed to hold himself together just enough to make it to his dorm.

 

His breathing was rapid and shallow. He was becoming his own personal hurricane.

 

Last time things were this bad was when he first messaged ‘M’. 

 

Alec didn’t even stop to weigh the consequences before his shaking hands were searching helplessly for his phone, to dial the number from the last email.

 

He dialed for ‘M’, no answer. He called again, his heart beating irregularly- no answer. Again - no answer. Again - 

 

“Hello, Magnus Bane speaking.” 

 

Alec’s blood ran cold, and it felt like an invisible hand had tightened around his throat. He gasped, adrenaline piercing his heart, unloading in an instant. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. His head was spinning like a carousel, and each turn pushed him further into the abyss. 

 

“Hello?”

 

Words left Alec. He couldn’t, for the life of him form a sentence. He couldn’t will his lips to move, or for himself to produce any other sounds than strangled gasps. Everything was slow and warped, and his mind couldn’t put together the pieces. Alec searched his mind for something reasonable to say, but he came up with nothing.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Sorry, wrong number.”

 

Then he hung up.


	11. Chapter 11

Alec slumped to sit on the floor with all the grace of a bag of wet cement. He couldn’t believe how quickly his perfectly orchestrated life had been flipped upside down and put through the shredder.

 

Magnus Bane. 

 

Alec had unwittingly fallen for Magnus Bane.

 

Alec placed a hand on his chest. He could still feel the bite of another looming panic, but deep within it all, he felt strangely happy. It was conflicting. For months, years even, before all the emails, Alec had been waging a war within himself.

 

To be perfect and have the picturesque life that had been planned for him, or to love fiercely and risk losing everything.

 

The choice had always swayed in favour of the former, but now Alec wasn’t so sure. 

 

For so long Alec’s heart was ticking by, day in, day out. He was alive and he had almost everything, but he wasn’t complete. Magnus set Alec’s world on fire, and suddenly he didn’t feel so numb. There was a chance that he could have the life he wanted, the life he carved. But even now, that too, had fallen apart.

 

It wasn’t fair to drag someone into that mess.

 

Alec couldn’t even explain it to himself. He couldn’t put someone else through that too.

 

\---

 

“Hey, Alec.”

 

“How was your night?”

 

“Oh, great! Turns out the artist dropped out so Maia asked me to play, and she paid me double because of the short notice.”

 

“Awesome.”

 

“How was dinner?”

 

“Actually, um,-”

 

Suddenly Alec is talking, as if he doesn’t have enough time to say what he needs to say. His words are crammed together, with barely any spaces between them, let alone pauses for breath. His words jumped about and nothing made any sense, every fragmented thought was tumbling unchecked out of his brain, even things he’d never really thought about before. It was like he was in some sort of mental free-fall. 

 

Alec’s words were ricocheting off of the walls, he couldn’t keep up with himself, but somehow Simon managed to catch every comment, every expression, every movement, and pieced it together. 

 

“Let me get this right. You’ve been emailing someone for months, and tonight after your dad essentially pulled you out of the closest, you found out that person is actually Magnus. But he still doesn’t know it’s you because you hung up on him?”

 

“Yes,” Alec nodded, though he didn’t dare to lift his gaze from off of the floor.

 

Simon nodded, and settled in front of Alec, placing his hands on Alec’s knees so their faces were almost level. “Okay.”

 

“Okay?”

 

“Well what do you want me to say, Alec?”

 

“I don’t know. Did I do the right thing? Not telling him it was me.”

 

“I don’t think you should tell him, yet. You’re right. You need to sort things out first before complicating things with him.”

 

“So what do I say?” 

 

“Take a break from it, Alec. Then once you’re okay, and if he wants to, then you can go from there.”

 

“What a mess.” Alec ran his hands down his face. He was split in half, half his mind was untangled and certain, available, useable, he could handle it; the rest was useless and tied up, straining against ropes in his mind's eye. It felt endless and unyielding. As if he’d never be able to undo the final knot or obstacle that was keeping him from fixing all of this.

 

“It’s not your fault You were forced into a situation, Alec. Your dad was out of line, and took something important away from you. You should be the one who gets to decide, when and where, and how you come out. You shouldn’t have been confronted with it like that when you weren’t ready.”

 

“I know. I do, really- it’s just, hearing your own family say such nasty things. It’s a lot, because a small part of me still thinks it’s true, even if, logically, I know it’s not.”

 

“It’ll work out.”

 

\---

 

Alec peeled his eyes open, flinching at the morning light. 

 

“Do you feel any better?”

 

Alec startled, his eyes widening, he’d almost forgotten that someone else was in the room. 

 

“Where you watching me sleep?”

 

“Alec?” Simon deadpanned, he wasn’t going to let his friend avoid the subject.

 

Alec sighed deeply and snuggled back down into his sheets and closed his eyes. He hugged the sheets a little tighter, and brought his knees in closer so that he was comforted by the warmth. It was a small thing, but it made his head stop spinning and he felt a little better, even though his stomach was still in knots. “I feel like if I move too quickly I may vomit.”

 

Simon nodded, at least Alec thinks he did. In truth, Simon was still bleary eyes and half his face was still smushed against his own pillow. “That’s still an improvement from actually vomiting, though.”

 

“True,” Alec grunted, his mind was not caught up, and he was finding words trickier than usual.

 

“Have you heard from Izzy?”

 

“I turned my phone off.”

 

Simon rolled his eyes, and propped himself up with his elbow, scanning Alec’s face. “Well turn it back on. Bloody hell Alec, knowing Izzy she’ll be calling up a search party if you don’t reply within the day.”

 

Alec nodded and blindly felt around his bedside table for his phone before turning it back on. It didn’t take long for guilt settled heavy on his chest when several messages and missed calls came through all at once. “Fuck.”

 

“Maybe you should call her, just to say you got back here alright.”

 

“Yeah.” Alec mumbled, scrolling through his messages, but one in particular caught his eye. “My mom wants me to go over this morning.”

 

“Are you going to?”

 

“Do I have a choice?” Alec’s stomach was locked up tight with dread, inescapable, it owned him, and he was unable to turn back time and avoid the turmoil.

 

“Do you want me to drive you?”

 

“No, the fresh air might do me good. But thank you, Simon, for everything.”

 

“I’m always here when you need me.”

 

\---

 

“Hello?” Alec called out.

 

“In the kitchen.”

 

Alec’s brows furrowed together as he scanned the hallway. Bags and suitcases littered the ground, clothes were strewn all over the place, as if a hurricane had ripped through the house. 

 

When Alec finally entered the kitchen, he froze. 

 

Isabelle was slumped at the breakfast counter, her face creased and her jaw tensed. His mother was sat with her back rigid, and her hair styled to perfection, as if nothing was out of place. The only small indication that anything was amiss was the way her knuckles were white from clenching her coffee cup. 

 

Then finally Alec saw his father, standing pin straight, with his arms pressed with a dangerous pressure against the countertop. 

 

Paralysing dread spread through Alec’s body like ice. Of course he knew he would have to face his father at some point, but nothing could have prepared him for it. Alec hesitantly stepped forwards and stood behind Isabelle. His legs were trembling, and he fought the urge to whirl around and sprint back out of the house. 

 

Alec clenched his jaw and bit the inside of his cheek, hard enough to draw the metallic taste of blood into his mouth. He didn’t know what to do, or where to look, his eyes darted around the room, eventually falling to his mother, who for the first time that Alec could recall, sent him a comforting smile.

 

“Right. Now that we’ve hopefully all calmed down a little bit, I think we should talk about this like adults.” Maryse said, though they all knew that it wasn’t up for discussion. “Alec, I think you should start, you were never given a chance to say your piece last night.”

 

“Um, I don’t know what to say - and, and to be honest, I don’t think I should even have to….Why should I have to explain myself? Why do I need to justify myself to him, or to you, or to anyone?”

 

“He’s right. Alec doesn’t have to say anything, he shouldn’t have to. We shouldn’t even be in this situation. Alec hasn’t done anything wrong.”

 

Robert ran his hand across his face, and fixed Isabelle with a stare that could have frozen time. He didn’t acknowledge Alec, not once, as he snarled. “There is everything wrong with this.”

 

“I’m just a human being. So what? There’s one thing different about me. Just because I’m gay, that doesn’t make me suddenly less than.”

 

“It’s not right.”

 

“You know, you keep saying that, but you are yet to give me one valid argument for your hatred.”

 

“Because it’s unnatural.”

 

“Robert. I thought I had made myself clear.”

 

“Maryse, you can seriously be okay with this?”

 

“He is my son. I may have been difficult in the past, and yes, I’ll admit I have been harsh and I have pushed my children in directions that they might not wanted to have gone in. But he is my son, and I don’t care who he loves, or who he doesn’t, but I have always wanted the best for them.”

 

Robert muttered something under his breath, and anger smouldered underneath his stony expression.

 

“I think you should leave, Robert. If you can’t put your homophobia aside, then this house is not for you. I said if you apologised and settled this then you could unpack your cases, but clearly that’s never going to happen.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Really, dad? You’re going to throw your family away because you can’t accept the fact that Alec is gay?”

 

“I didn’t start this.”

 

“No, Dad. You did. You’re the one that’s wrong, not Alec.”

 

Finally, Robert turned to look at Alec. It wasn’t hard for Alec to see that the hatred burned so deep in his father’s heart that it was connected to every fibre of his being. Alec struggled to maintain the eye contact. 

 

Alec wasn’t going to look away. He wasn’t going to let any tears slip. He wasn’t going to show how affected he was by all of this. He wasn’t going to back down.

 

“I’ll send someone to get my things.”

 

With no final goodbyes, Robert stalked out of the room.

 

The slam of the front door echoed around the house. No-one said a word for several minutes, afraid that even a single sound would crack the eggshells they had all been walking on, and any movement, no matter how small who shatter the brittle air surrounding them.

 

“I’m sorry. I’ve let you both down.”

 

“Mom, what, no, you haven't.”

 

“No, I have. I’ve been so cold and distant, only caring about the rules and your grades. I’ve never once stopped to ask you if you were okay, if you were coping. I hardly know either of you.”

 

“Well, you can start now. We can make it right, all of us, together.”

 

\---

 

After hours of spent with their mother, Alec and Isabelle eventually left, as Maryse had to go pick Max up from a friends house. That was the only good thing from that night before, that Max wasn’t there to witness it all.

 

Alec watched his feet with intent as he walked along the sidewalk. He was walking unusually slow, almost robotically, and although one weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, another had instantly replaced it.

 

“Don’t feel guilty about it Alec.” Isabelle said firmly, breaking the strong silence that had settled back over them.

 

“I never said-”

 

“I have eyes, I can see you beating yourself up about Dad. Just don’t bother. He made his choice.”

 

Alec nodded, but said nothing else, and the silence settled back over them.

 

“Alec, can I ask you a question?”

 

“You just did.”

 

“I’m going to ignore that. But, um, when Dad thought you had a girlfriend, because he caught you texting someone. Who was it?”

 

Alec sighed, something he seemed to be doing a lot of lately. “It’s a long story.”

 

“I have time.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

The door opened with a tremendous bang, giving both Simon and Alec the shock of their lives. Then in true fashion, Isabelle waltzed through the door with a bright grin on her face, delighted with her entrance. “Hello. Have no fear for I am here.”

 

“Hey, Iz.” Simon greeted her from where he was spread out laying on his bed. It hadn’t taken him long to become engrossed in texting Raphael while waiting for her to arrive.

 

Alec scoffed lightly, though it wasn’t laced with any malice, and greeted her with an unimpressed look, or at least he tried to, he had to fight the urge to smile at her antics. “Only fifteen minutes late.”

 

Isabelle waved the comment away. “It’s not my fault New York traffic is awful.”

 

Alec rolled his eyes, but didn’t bother to hide his smile this time. “Izzy, you walked here.”

 

“Leave me alone.” Isabelle pulled a face at Alec, and he pulled a one back. Isabelle playfully rolled her eyes and flipped her hair over her shoulder. “So we all ready, then?”

 

Alec reluctantly stood up and pulled his jacket on. His face was painted with a grimace, and his stomach began to gurgle.  “Maybe I shouldn’t see this.”

 

“You’ll be fine Alec. You’ll enjoy it.” Simon slapped him on the shoulder. Alec assumed it was supposed to be comforting, but he didn’t think Simon was aware of how strong he actually was.

 

“It’s just - I don’t know if I can handle it. I imagined that when I finally got to go and see this movie, well, I thought I’d be alone, sniffling in the theatre.”

 

“No, you’ll be sniffling with us instead.”

 

“And then I guess I assumed I would go see it with Magnus.”

 

“That would require actually talking to him. Which actually brings me onto this, have you heard from ‘M’?”

 

Alec sighed, resigned and wearily. “Yes.”

 

Isabelle moved to place a hand on Alec’s shoulder. “What did he say?”

 

“Let me read it, one second.” Alec tapped away on his phone for a moment. He took a deep breath, then let it all out in one sigh. He cleared his throat, trying to stall himself for as long as possible, then when he could no long prolong the moment before the inevitable reappearance of heartbreak. He swallowed hard and began to read the email. “Hey, Gideon. I understand. I half expected you to say that anyway, I know it’ll be a long journey before you will be fully ready. But that’s not to say I’m not a little heart broken. I hope this doesn’t change anything, and I promise I won’t ask again. I’ll wait for you to make that step, when you’re ready.”

 

Isabelle’s eyes softened. “Oh he’s sweet.”

 

Alec face scrunched up, and the familiar feeling of insatiable itching flared up once again. “There’s more.”

 

“Go on.” Isabelle’s face softened even more, how that was even possible, Alec wasn’t sure, but he found it comforting nevertheless.

 

“Gideon, I know you may want space. If I made you uncomfortable, or perhaps if you don’t feel the way that I feel about you. If you felt like you had to say something you didn't mean in order to make me feel better about you not wanting to meet, Then I’d understand. But please don’t shut me out.” By the time Alec finished reading the email, he was shaking and both Simon and Isabelle had wrapped in into their arms. Normally he would push them away, but he could find it in himself to protest.

 

Simon was the first to pull away, and he sent Alec a small sad smile. “You need to talk to him.”

 

“I didn’t know what to say, I- um, after mom and dad, after the argument, I guess I was out of the closest, but then I realised- um, that wasn’t the only thing keeping me back.” Alec paused, and took a shaky breath, “I couldn’t help but think he’d be disappointed it was me, and that Gideon was, is, the better version. When he finally meets me, it’ll be a let down.” 

 

“Don’t you ever think that you’re not good enough. Magnus fell for you Alec, for your words, for your mind. I guarantee you; he won’t be disappointed.” Isabelle’s tone was stern, and she left very little room for argument. In a strange way, she reminded him of their mother, not that he would tell Isabelle that.

 

“So what do I do?” Alec asked no-one in particular and flung his hands up into the air. He knew he had to fight for this, for Magnus, but he had no clue where to start.

 

Simon nodded and whispered softly to himself before whipping his head up towards Alec. He beamed brightly and grabbed how of both of the siblings by the wrists and started tugging them towards the door. “I think I have an idea. But it requires us seeing this movie, so we can work out the finer details.”

 

\---

\---

 

Alec stood in the hallway outside of the lecture hall, nervous butterflies swarmed his mind and body. He eventually grasped the doorknob, his heart was ricocheting off of his ribcage as he slowly entered the room. He kept repeating to himself that he could do this, that it would be fine. 

 

Alec kept his eyes trained to the floor, knowing that if he looked up too soon that his feet would have him running from the room before his mind even knew what was happening. He had to do this.

 

Pushing down his overbearingly negative thoughts, Alec took a few more steps into the room. It wasn’t until he reached the steps up to the seats that he allowed himself to look up. He quickly found Magnus, the man wasn't  difficult to miss. In fact, it was as though Alec’s body was perfectly attuned to find the man no matter what, he was attracted to Magnus like a magnet was to metal.

 

Alec smoothed out the nonexistent crinkles in his jumper and fixed his hair for the hundredth time that day. Everything seemed to go slow motion as he took small steps towards Magnus. In his final steps Alec rehearsed the words in his head, over and over. 

 

Alec coughed lightly to grab Magnus’ attention, but he was too enthralled in his laptop screen to notice. While he could, Alec peaked at the screen, although he instantly regretted it as Magnus was staring dolefully at his emails. Alec’s stomach sunk lower and he had a sudden urge to vomit, but he forced himself to stay put. He was going to fix this, he was going to make it right, they were going to have their happy ending. “Can I sit here?”

 

“What?” Magnus snapped his next upwards, his eyes widened in shock and he slammed his laptop closed. “Alexander, of course.”

 

“Thanks,” Alec mumbled. He hoped Magnus didn’t notice the way his cheeks were heating up, no doubt tinted rose. There was something about the way his full name rolled off of Magnus’ tongue that made Alec’s stomach soar.

 

An awkward silence settled over them. Maybe this plan wasn’t Alec’s best idea, but he had to start somewhere. He was unsettled slightly. This was so far out of his comfort zone that he couldn’t even see the line that he had just crossed. 

 

Alec’s eyes unceremoniously darted around the room, and he tried desperately to think of something to say. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. His hands were sweaty and he played with his fingers under the table.

 

“What’s wrong with your usual seat? Not that I’m complaining of course.” Magnus smiled, and it was so genuinely sweet, and it sent a wave of unexpected warmth through Alec.

 

“I, um -, I guess just wanted to sit next to you?”

 

“Well I’m glad. I was beginning to think that you might hate me.” Magnus mouth twitched again, as if he was fighting back a smile.

 

Alec stuttered, but the words managed to fall out of his mouth with a fierce conviction. “I could never.”

 

“Good.”

 

There was something about the way that Magnus smiled; butterflies seemed to escape from the pit of Alec’s stomach and the warmth of it was like the sunshine had made a home in his heart. Aec had never seen someone as bright and as lovely as Magnus Bane. He had the kind of smile that made you feel happy to be alive and just that little bit more human. 

 

“Have you ever been to Coney Island?”

 

“Surprisingly, no, I haven’t.”

 

“We should go.”

 

There was an agonisingly long moment where Magnus’ face washed blank with confusion. Alec could almost hear Magnus’s brain cogs turning to figure out why this random friend of a friend was asking him such a question, but to Alec’s delight, Magnus’ frozen face transformed and a grin crept on his face. It soon stretched from one side to the other showing every single tooth. Alec would never get sick of seeing Magnus smile.

 

“Sure. I would love to.”

 

“Good.” A smile pulled at the corner’s of Alec’s mouth, but then it occurred to him that he didn’t know what else to say. He hadn’t planned anything else. “Um.”

 

“Will it just be the two of us, because I would love that, except,” Magnus paused and glanced sideways at his laptop. His shoulders visibly deflated, and Alec wanted to blurt out that he was the one sending the emails. Alec would do anything to take away the hurt from Magnus’ eyes, but now wasn’t the right time. “It’s just, I’m sort of seeing someone. I guess, it’s complicated?”

 

“I understand.” Alec nodded, and he shuffled around on his seat, desperately trying to think of something to say. “I mean- um- I wasn’t asking as a, I mean, Simon and Raphael are coming too so, uhh, so we can all hang out together.”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed,” Magnus laughed, but it was visibly strained. And maybe Alec was deluded but he could have sworn that Magnus looked even more upset. A small part of Alec dared to dream that perhaps Magnus wanted it to only be the two of them.

 

“Is tomorrow good for you?”

 

“Yes, perfect.”

 

“Great,” Alec smiled brightly, in fact his cheeks were hurting slightly because of it, but he couldn’t find it in himself to stop. “Um- I’m sure Simon will tell Raphael all the details.”

 

“Do you not want my number just in case?”

 

“Ah, I-” Thankfully the Professor walked in at precisely that moment, saving Alec from thinking of an appropriate excuse.

 

To Alec’s shock and delight, Magnus patted the top of his thigh and nodded before turning to face the front. Alec gaped openly, he was unable to comprehend what had just happened, and any chance of having any coherent thoughts for the rest of the day had flown out of the window.

 

Now that he was sitting this close to Magnus he could fully appreciate the man’s beauty. Alec could easily get lost in the beauty of Magnus Bane. he was sure that anyone could. Magnus’ eyes were blazing hazel and flecked with gold, entrancing, yet the way he sat with his face scrunched up in concentration made the alluring, slightly intimidating man look innocent and far more adorable than what Alec thought was legal.

 

The Alec’s eyes fell to Magnus’ lips. It was then that Alec released how lost he had become and a voice in his head yelled for him to get a grip. Daydreaming about Magnus’ lips was dangerous territory. A small part of Alec still wanted to mindlessly reach for the hair tie on his wrist but a larger part of his heart yearned to continue. 

 

A light tap on Alec’s knee brought him spiralling back into the present. How long had he been staring for? And more importantly, Alec prayed that Magnus hadn’t caught him.

 

“Alexander, please tell me you have notes from the last lecture because I’m not getting any of this.” 

 

“What?” In truth, Alec had forgotten he was in a lecture, but at least now he knew for sure, as if it wasn’t already crystal clear, that Magnus Bane would be the death of him.

 

\---

 

“You did what?” Simon exclaimed, throwing his head into his hands. “That was not the plan.”

 

Alec countered. “I panicked!”

 

Simon ran his hands down his face and groaned. “You’re a freaking mess.”

 

Alec was more than aware of that fact, but he wouldn’t let Simon live down that he was just as bad. “That's rich coming from you, you hopelessly dropped hints for months before getting together with Raphael.”

 

“Right. Well then, that was rude,” Simon grumbled. “True, but still rude.”

 

“I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t exactly tell him in the economics hall that I was Gideon and that I’m hopelessly in love with him, now could I? I had no choice but to say you two were coming.”

 

“In love?” Simon waved Alec’s reasonings away and zeroed in on that one short phrase that packed monumental meaning.

 

Alec trailed off, and his eyes nearly fell out of his head. “What? I didn’t say that.”

 

“Yeah, you did.” Simon insisted. He was giddy, thoroughly invested in Alec’s love life and blatantly ignoring Alec’s obvious displeasure.“Shit. Alec. Ok, I’ll text Raphael.”

 

Alec had always thought that love was when space and time become the finest point imagninable and collapsed into one tiny speck. He thought love was when that speck exploded and created a whole new universe that started and ended with that one person. Alec thought that love was when every path in that universe lead back to the same place, to the same heart.

 

And maybe it was.

 

Or maybe it was finding yourself, and growing and evolving and falling slowly, a little by little, day by day, for one person. Maybe it was a journey. Maybe love was when someone held your hand and bared their heart to you, expecting nothing back. Maybe love was finding something special in a place where you least expected it, having it blossom in the darkest places of your being, having it lighten your life.

 

“This is fine. This fine. This is fine.”

 

“Alec, are you broken?”

 

“Just text Raphael and give him the details.”

 

“Ok.”

 

\---

 

It was a scorching hot June afternoon. The sky was dotted with pearly white clouds. It was a perfect day for a love affair, or at least it should have been. The sun wasn’t helping with the already nervous sweat that was looming over Alec. Not to mention both Simon and Alec had failed to factor the crowds into their plan. 

 

The entrance could barely be since in the distance and the long queue was edging forwards ever so slowly. Alec and Simon were holding a place in line while they waited for Raphael and Magnus to join them. 

 

After some time they got closer to the entrance, Alec stood on his toes to scan over the crowd, and thankfully spotted Magnus and Raphael. He waved them over, and tried to calm his blossoming nerves, he had begun to think that Magnus wasn’t going to show. But now this was real, it was finally happening.

 

Alec forced a smile and beckoned them over, greeting them softly, although his attention was more so on Magnus.

 

Raphael made a beeline for Simon and instantly wrapped his arm around Simon’s waist. Alec averted his eyes when the two of them began speaking quietly into one another’s ears. It brought a strange pleasantness through Alec to see his best friend looking so in love. He’d witnessed Simon fall - literally and figuratively - all to often, it was comforting to know that Simon had found someone who would catch him. 

 

“They’re sweet together, aren’t they?”  Magnus said, nudging lightly at Alec’s side to grab his attention.

 

Alec nodded and tried his hardest to ignore the way one simple touch made his skin ignite and tingle. “Yeah. But don’t tell Simon I think that they’re cute together.”

 

“Oh gosh no. Raphael would probably punch me if I commented on how much he smiles now because of Sherwin.”

 

“Sherwin?”

 

“Oh did I say Sherwin? I meant Stanley.”

 

\---

  
  


Alec snorted and a loud giggle spluttered out of his mouth. His face went from having a light blush brought from what Magnus guessed was being too hot in the sun to a bright red tint, and Alec’s hand flew up to his mouth to silence his laughter.

 

“Now that was adorable,” Magnus commented his voice laced with sweet adoration. Then he giggled at the way Alec’s face somehow got redder. “Very cute Alexander.”

 

Magnus had never really thought about laughter all that much. It was a sound people made when they were happy; it was merely a noise that escaped someone. But the way Alec laughed was so much more. There was light in Alec’s eyes, and his face changed into a vision, one of relaxed joy and unrestrained mirth.  

 

Magnus was besotted with Alec and everything about him, so much so he didn’t notice that the line had moved forwards until Raphael jabbed him in the back and demanded that he get moving.

 

\---

 

Simon clapped his hands together excitedly as soon as they got through the gates, “So what does everyone want to do first?”

 

Alec hummed quietly to himself and rocked back and forth on his feet. This was his chance to set the plan in motion, but his nerves were frayed to the quick, and the words weren’t going to come to him easily. His anxiety was building, and his brain quickly worked to rationalise the situation. He tried in vain to calm himself down, but still there was a nagging voice in the back of his mind that spoke of nothing but doom and rejection. What if Magnus hated him? What if Magnus was disappointed? 

 

“You wanted to go on the wheel right, Alec?” Simon prompted.

 

“Um- yes?” Alec was thankful that he’d ended up having to invite Simon and Raphael along, because now he knew for a fact that he would never be able to get through this alone.

 

“Good, well you can do that, but my feet are staying firmly planted on the ground. So Magnus will go with you, right?”

 

Alec glanced at Magnus and shrugged in question, nibbling at his lips lightly. “If you want to?”

 

“I’d love to Alexander.”

 

Magnus’ smile was a ray of sunshine. The way his lips curved up. The way his eyes crinkled when his face was painted in happiness. The warm glow that he gave off. It made Alec want to melt.

 

“Fantastic, so we’ll meet you back here in an hour?” Simon asked, although he didn’t give anyone time to reply before he pulled Raphael a wink and sent Alec a less than subtle wink over his shoulder.

 

“Okay then. Shall we?” Magnus smiled at Alec and offered his arm for him to take.

 

“Um, yeah.”

 

\---

  
  
  


\---

 

The line for the ferris wheel was nowhere near as busy as Magnus had assumed it would have been, but even then the two of them still had to wait for a little over ten minutes. Though the experience wasn’t all that bad as Alec had kept his arm wound around Magnus’.  The feeling of having someone as mind-bogglingly endearing as Alec so close to him sent an unusual wave of bliss through Magnus. 

 

While part of Magnus was positively delighted to have Alec close to him, and, though he took great joy in listening to Alec nervously ramble and bumble along his sentences, after having to deal with the man not talking to him for months, Magnus couldn’t help but feel downhearted. 

 

He’d been endeared with Alec for months, truly taken with Alec’s beauty and now he was enthralled in Alec’s words. But he’d also been fawning over Gideon for months. He was hopelessly in love, and feeling this way towards Alec, he felt like he was committing some sort of betrayal.

 

“Magnus, it’s our turn,” Alec’s arm loosened from where it was wrapped up in Magnus’. The Alec’s hand fell down to link with Magnus’, pulling him out of his thoughts and towards the bright blue carriage. 

 

\---

 

Magnus stood at the edge of the carriage and looked out at the people milling around, enjoying their day.  He only laughed a little bit - a lot - when a small child’s ice cream cone wobbled perilously only to drop down onto the floor. “Oh, shit, I shouldn’t be laughing at that.”

 

“Incredibly evil of you.” Alec gasped dramatically and prodded him in the side with his free hand because for some reason, not that Magnus was complaining, they were still holding hands.

 

“You have to admit, it was a little funny.” Magnus prodded Alec back, this time at the corner of his mouth, forcing Alec’s face to quirk into a smile.

 

“Maybe a little bit,” Alec smirked.

 

“Now who’s evil, Alexander?”

 

“I like it when you call me that.” Alec blushed furiously. He clearly hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

 

Magnus chose not to make a flirtatious comment and settled on something more appropriate. “Alexander? It suits you.”

 

“Only when you say it.” Alec ducked his head in embarrassment, and untangled his hand from Magnus’. The carriage was approaching the top of the wheel, so Alec turned to look out across the view.

 

The sunlight danced prettily across Alec’s features, and cast a gorgeous gleam within the deep brown depths of Alec’s eyes.  Magnus sighed deeply and settled next to Alec, glancing across every few moments to catch glimpses of Alec’s beauty. 

 

Magnus knew that he should stop indulging himself in the wonder that was Alexander Lightwood. He knew that Alec was causing all kinds of confusion in brain, and he hated himself for even entertaining the idea of flirting with Alec. 

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Magnus saw Alec nibbling his lip, as if deep in thought, like he was thinking of something to say.  Magnus so desperately tried to force his gaze away from Alec’s lips but he couldn’t bring himself to look away, he craved to find out whether they felt as soft as they looked. 

 

Again doubt and heartache swirled in Magnus’ stomach. He craved all of this with Gideon. Magnus dreamed and pictured who he thought Gideon could be, day in and day out. Magnus had ran over the scenario of kissing Gideon thousands of times, and each time little sparks of electricity set his body and mind alight. To him, Gideon felt irreplaceable, Gideon owned a piece of Magnus’ heart. That was why he felt so terribly about Alec.

 

However, Magnus was saved again from his inner turmoil when Alec had seemed to find the words searching for, just as the carriage started it’s second ride.

 

\---

 

Alec’s stomach shifted uneasily and he noticed that his hands were wrapped around his waist and that he was pinching at the skin. He took a shaky breath and released himself, only to start clasping and unclasping his hands. “I went to go and see Love, Simon the other day.”

 

Magnus turned to face him and offered up his undivided attention. “Oh, yeah, how did you find it?”

 

Alec took a deep breath and pushed his emotions back down, so they wouldn’t come spilling over into a mountain of gibberish and unrestrained feeling. “It was everything I could have ever dreamed of. Have you seen it?”

 

Magnus beamed. “Yes! I adored it. Raphael and I went the other day too. Have you read the book?”

 

Alec’s heart hammered against his chest and his hands itched rather intensely. His mind flickered all over the place. This was a mistake, but his mouth ran before he could think any more of it. “Yes, somebody very important to me introduced me to it. I think he is the Jacques to my Blue.”

 

\---

 

“That’s lovely.” Magnus started, until the memory of him asking Gideon to meet hit him full force, and suddenly the air was knocked out of his lungs. It was like as if his heart had shattered and he was reminded of the gentle, yet heart shattering rejection all over again. That was, at least until his mind worked of Alec’s words again and a slither of hope entered his mind. “What?”

 

“I’m sorry - don’t know, I just, um. Simon told me about the blog, and I needed help. And along the way I found you.”

 

Was this a joke? Surely Alec wouldn’t do something so cruel as to play with his heart? But how could Alec possibly know about the emails? It was happening, Alec was the one. Soon enough Magnus was shaking and he couldn’t contain himself, he closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the sun, allowing a few tears to escape. His fingers curled around his neck and his nails dug painfully into the skin, leaving little red crescents in their wake. Surely this wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.

 

“Are you disappointed?”

 

“No. Never.” Magnus shook his head, and moved closer to Alec. “I’m just overwhelmed and I guess- I guess I don’t understand. Why now? Why didn’t you contact me before? You just left me hanging?”

 

“I’m sorry. You deserved better than that, you deserved a reply, an explanation, and I didn’t give you that. But I’m saying it now Magnus. I meant what I said about never wanting anything more in my life than how much I wanted you.”

 

“Alexander, I-”

 

“I know I went about this the wrong way. I’m not perfect but I’m here if you want me. We all deserve a goddamn happy ending and our own love stories too and- you’re… you’re that for me. And everything has been so messed up lately, but even just two weeks without you was hellish. And I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness, my life, for people who will never appreciate it, for my dad. I want you. And if you’ll have me- even after everything- then nothing will make me happier than making you happy. I’m sorry that everything got messed up.”

 

“As am I, I’m especially sorry about your family, nobody should have to go through that, but at least we’re here now, and I promise to hold your hand if you need me to.”

 

“So you’ll have me?”

 

Alec looked at him with such a raw expression that Magnus felt as if every ounce of breath had been taken from him and that he was floating on air. Magnus took Alec’s face between both of his hands, and the world stopped, as if they were the only two left. 

 

One of Magnus’ fingers traced, as light as a feather across Alec’s face, creating soft patterns along the skin from his brow bone to his lips. Then he allowed on hand to fall to Alec’s waist, to pull him in even closer, and the other remained cupping Alec’s jaw. “Always. You’re the Blue to my Jacques. Which, speaking of, I love that you decided to tell me this on a ferris wheel. Very fitting.”

 

Alec whispered, unwilling to break the serenity that had enveloped them, they were in their own little world, and the people around them were merely a soft buzz in the background. “I thought it would be romantic.”

 

“How you could ever thing I’d be disappointed about you, Alexander, is beyond me. You are everything that I have ever dreamed of.”

 

This is what falling in love was like, it was a story that you never wanted to end. Magnus had longed for someone, and now he held that person in his arms, and he couldn’t bare to let go. He felt complete.


End file.
